melancholy

thursday, january 9th, 2025

does anyone else constantly have an overwhelming feeling of melancholy, or just me?  okay, i know that it's not just me, but i never really hear people talking about it- not talking about it in a way i relate to, at least.  i think i am always sad.  everyone has things to be sad about, i know that, but it seems like for me that this sadness, this melancholy, takes over my entire life.  like its claws are gripping onto me, no signs of letting go.  i push it out sometimes by distracting myself.  distracting myself can be in the many different things i do such as: dancing, singing, writing, listening to music, spending time with family, etc.  those are all things that make me happy.  in those moments, i am happy.  there's no denying that. but when the moments are over, the sadness takes no time to get back to me in full force.

in ways to try and combat this sadness, i've tried to embrace it too.  i've heard some people say to try that.  to stop pushing it out so much.  that doesn't work either.  its still latched on.  and distracting myself never works for long as i pointed out.  it's embarrassing, really.  the things i have to do to get myself happy.  i though taking medicine would be enough, but apparently not.  i know that medicine is only apart of it and that you must take initiative to be happy and i'm trying.  but man am i so, so, so, tired.  i'm just tired of being sad.  i wish i was happy.  truly and completely happy.  perhaps it is unrealistic to want something that isn't very attainable.

when i think about what i am writing right now, i realize how long i've been saying the same thing over and over.  with that comes the same emotions.  melancholy, sadness, longing, nostalgia, anger.  i do not write this blog as a sob story, but to find people who empathize with me.  i have a great life, i just think my brain is a little messed up.  i'm glad it was me though and not my siblings at least.  my whole family has mental illness' but not my brother and sister.  looks like it skipped them in which i am grateful for.  but there's a small part of me that wishes i could enjoy life as they do.  is that selfish to say?