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Back in the early days of the internet, when getting an email was novelty - "You've got mail!" - people often sent mass emails to their entire social circles that usually consisted of stories, jokes, and/or dubious advice. They were basically the slightly less annoying cousin of the dreaded chain letter email, which I discussed in my previous blog entry.
Here's some examples of the kind of stuff people sent around, back then:
1. Fwd: Bird Flu
> The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
> symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
> following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
> 1. High fever
> 2. Congestion
> 3. Nausea
> 4. Fatigue
> 5. Aching in the joints
> 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
2. ---------- Forwarded message ----------
Subject: shopping at Walmart
This is piss-your-pants funny. I have tears in my eyes from laughing!
> Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping.
> He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
> Dear Mrs. Fenton,
> Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
> tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
> video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
> Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.
> 5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
> 6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
> 7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
> 8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
> 9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
> 10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
> 11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
> 12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
> 13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
> 14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
> And last, but not least…
> 15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
3. FWD: Did You Know…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
4. ---------- Forwarded message ----------
THIS INFORMATION IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!!!
DON'T FLASH HEADLIGHTS AT CAR WITH LIGHTS NOT ON!!
Police officers working with the DARE program have issued this Warning: If you are driving after dark and see an on-coming car with no headlights on, DO NOT FLASH YOUR LIGHTS AT THEM! This is a common Bloods gang member "initiation game" that goes like this:
The new gang member under initiation drives along with no headlights, and the first car to flash their headlights at him is now his "target." He is now required to turnaround and chase that car, then shoot and kill every individual in the vehicle in order to complete his initiation requirements.
Police Departments across the nation are being warned. Their intent is to have all the new bloods nationwide drive around on Friday and Saturday nights with their headlights off.
In order to be accepted into the gang, they have to shoot and kill all individuals in the first auto that does a courtesy flash to warn them that their lights are off.
Make sure you share this information with all the drivers in your family! Please forward this message to all your friends and family members to inform them about this initiation ritual.
5. Subject: generics
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
acetaminophen. Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is
ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadud, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin,
dixafix, and ibepokin. Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra
will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible
for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no
longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails," "highballs," and just good old-fashioned "stiff drinks."
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."
6. Actual Answering Machine Messages
14. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
13. Hi. Now you say something.
12. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
11. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
10. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
9. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
8. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
7. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
6. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
5. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
4. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
7. Fwd: ABC Of Friendship
A Always be honest, would you want THEM to lie to you?
B Be there when they need you, or you may wind up alone.
C Cheer them on, we all need encouragement now and then.
D Don't look for their faults, even if you have none.
E Encourage their dreams, what would we be without them?
F Forgive them, you just MAY do something wrong sometime.
G Get together often, misery loves company, so does glee.
H Have faith in them, the human animal is remarkable.
I Include them, you may need to be included sometime.
J Just be there when they need you.
K Know when they need a hug, and couldn't you use one?
L Love them unconditionally, that is the ONLY condition.
M Make them feel special, because aren't we ALL special?
N Never forget them, who wants to feel forgotten?
O Offer to help, and know when "No thanks" is just politeness.
P Praise them honestly and openly.
Q Quietly disagree, noisy NO's make enemies.
R Really listen, a friendly ear is a soothing balm.
S Say you're sorry, don't let them assume it.
T Talk frequently, communication is important
U Use good judgment.
V Verbalize your feelings!
W Wish them luck, hopefully good!
X Xamine your motives before you "help" out.
Y Your words count, use them wisely.
Z Zip your lips when told a secret.
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