how do people talk to each other

hi

this is, uhh, my first blog post i guess. i'm not gonna yap about the info that's already in my profile, but i'll try to expand on the social awkwardness part. 

you know, life is just getting harder somehow. i wasn't a happy child. maybe moderately so (although i started thinking about bad stuff pretty early). and i was always awkward around people, for as long as i can remember. shy, at first. but then, fearful. it feels like i can trigger a negative response by just stepping on a wrong tile on the floor. for me, it's like a dance among the glass shards, and i don't know the moves. but maybe the shards aren't even there, i can't even see them.

i am afraid of being perceived. yet i want to find people who will be close to me. more friends,.a romantic partner maybe. but i'm afraid of being talked about. people will say things behind my back. and it doesn't matter to me, if they are bad or good. it feels as if the more people know about me, the more dangerous it is for me to exist. being trans in the country where it's literally illegal doesn't help. 

it's probably a combination of my temperament and my social conditioning that made me this way. i kinda have to work through it with a therapist, probably.

still, i wanna make friends and i wanna feel loved. it's really difficult most of the time. but it feels great to meet people that i vibe with. the thought that there's someone who values me is reassuring, and makes me wanna live more.

anyway, i don't really know how to make friends and i'm afraid of messaging random people, so if you're somehow interested in me after this rant and whatever i wrote on my profile, feel free to message me!

don't give me any advice though.

thanks, bye