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C/TW : ideation on commiting
i've been struggling with my mental state since a very young age. My parens were naive enough to not get me checked until i was 16 to 17(last year).
I've had things such as extreme sense of guilt, scidal ideation, sh add and symptoms or ed since i am very young. at 10 i was crying because "i ate too much, i should cvt my stomach open to let all my food out of me", at 12 i decided that at 18(this year) I was going to commit, and so I will, nothing can stop me now; I am relapsing way more, I am eating as less as my mom can't control, im picking intentional fights with my dad for him to hate me more and not cry for me when i'm gone, I NEED him to despise his eldest son, I can't let him love or have appreciation for me.
I will be spending less time with my friends and only focusing on studying and relapsing every day in order to at least have my grades up until my day comes up.
thank you very much to all of my irl, online 'friends' and oomfs who have been around this much time, I sincerely need some rest now.
all my pertinences will go to either my sister or one of my closest friends, do not overload my phone with notifs, I don't want my relatives to find out I was planning to commit and realize they could've done something about me commiting.
in these months, if someone wants to text me(vent, hangout, etc.) don't doubt even for a second, I will answer as soon as I can.
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splitterspider
hello there! obviously, i can’t stop you from committing- im a total stranger to you, and ive only learned of your existence by reading this. and obviously, i cant say “i know how it feels” because while yes, i struggle with suicidal thoughts too, everyone who does has a different reason. but i want you to know that things get better. it’s a very cliche thing to say, i know, and you don’t have to believe me. but they do. because we will always strive for things to get better.
please remember that there are people close to you who will still miss you, no matter how much you think they won’t. picking fights with your dad doesn’t mean he won’t cry when you’re dead. you will be missed, you will be mourned, and you will be remembered.
again, i can’t stop you from killing yourself. that’s your decision. but if you’ve listened to anything, PLEASE, listen to this. people will miss you. people will want you back. people will remember you, and reminisce of your times together, wishing they knew better. wishing they could have stopped you. the world can be cruel. but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth living. there are so many opportunities you could miss, so many people you could meet, and so many ways to get better. talk to someone. anyone. a family member, a friend, anyone. i sincerely hope you can get through this alive. please. don’t give up.
thank you for reading this. i wish you well.
thank you for answering, im sorry for replying so late, I had school and homework.
I kinda know some people will mourn, but I don't expect that many. My dad still treats me like I am an attention seeker when I open up about my mental state. He just limits himself to say "read a book and that'll go away" I don't think he has experienced suicidal thoughts in his life, he doesn't seem like the person who would seek death.
I remember him being mad at my mom for interrupting his job schedule because I had swallowed a coin and had to be admitted(I was about to be 6, this happened in 2013 btw) he became dissasociated by the thought of me being admitted and a month and a half later(aug 6th) when a family accident happened.
The reason why I said that in the original vlog is because of the experience I have with him being psychologically present in stressful situations.
thank you for the comment, again. I wish you good health.
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