Blog the second | Loneliness

Second Ever Blog!

Do you ever feel lonely? Like sometimes you are the only person that understands yourself? 

Me too.

I often feel as if I am trapped in my own body, unable to understand even my own self. With hopes that one day someone similar to myself will cross my path. Someone that relates to me, someone that I can trustworthy. At times I feel like multiple people, sometimes I only show love for anything and everything. Other times I just hate, hate for no reason other then to hate. Everything about me is constantly changing, going back and forth, back and forth... 

Like right now. I started a blog and actually want to speak with people, but just last weekend I was extremely miserable and wanted to find an excuse to never talk again.

Depression warning...

4 months ago my dad died, he was 42. I haven't cried yet, not because I'm holding it back or because I wasn't close with him, I was very close with my dad. I just haven't cried. I have a huge family with 7 brothers, 1 sister, me, as well as lots of very close cousins aunties, uncles. But from age 8 till 13 I only had my dad. Me and him had moved out to a little shack in the woods with hardly any power and only a wood stove for heat. He wasn't home often, leaving me home alone a lot. I don't blame him or anything, it was my choice after all, but for almost 2 years I was basically mute. I never had a reason to speak, my dad was barely home, everyone I knew forgot about me. I didn't care at the time, I liked the peace.  

Going back to what I was talking about earlier, I feel as though those 5 years in that shack somewhat 'Dehumanized' or 'Depersonalized' meaning I've never had a sense of self, always feeling akin to a parrot, just copying words and actions I've seen before. I don't remember any of my childhood before me and my dad moved out. I often wonder if am even the same person, I obviously am, just different.... 

Sorry bout the yap and a lot doesn't really make sense or mean anything but yeah

BYE BYE!!!!