My first ever Blog

Wow, this is really the first time i am going to be writing a blog all by myself and not knowing for who to read, kind of feels scary to be honest, to know you are about to write down all your feelings on a piece of paper, or well a site. This idea of writing a blog didn’t come from me at all, it came from a friend, i really liked how that person thought about writing blogs and how it helps and how it would maybe help me, so here i am, no clue what i am doing, just going to pour it all into this piece of words.

So as i was looking around to make this blog i had to choose a category, to be quick i chose life, because i thought i would be talking about my life and how it has been, but as i thought about it i thought, what is the biggest part of life, the first thing you talk about when you talk about life, what you wake up for in the morning and think, yes this is life. My first thought was, its obviously living, because without living there would be no life, but this isn’t like any other rational question, this strikes deeper than that, so i thought it has to be something close that means allot then, so i thought on and on and i had it, family… but how is family life when you do not choose them, you get what you get, theres no returning them, you get thrown into life and you just get told, figure it out. Just as i was thinking about what i just said i grasped it, the true first part of life, the biggest part of life, the thing that drives us all, the good or the bad, our every movement is defined by this, Love! There is nothing in life more important, beautiful and also scary as love. Some people dive straight into it, some people are scared of it, and the very few who actually get to actually see the beauty and the pleasures in it.

Me, i am bad at loving, and hard to love, not a combination i’m happy i was granted with, but it’s just like that, but it’s not just that, i… and this is the hardest part to say, i don’t want to be loved. At sometimes i just feel like friends are enough, that love would make my life way too complicated, which isn’t half bad because complicated just means you have a new adventure to go on, but i don’t want anyone in that adventure, i want to live life with people i love but not love, of course it looks like im talking utter nonsense but there is a different in friendships that you love and actual lovers, and for some reason i am not fit for the second one, and it’s not like im writing this so that someone comes up to me and says, hey i love you, no the opposite i don’t want anyone to, there are always exceptions ofcourse, but those do not need to be highlighted, or do they? I mean i am writing about my feelings and all that and it is a blog after all, ah what the heck here we go.

Okay so my love comes from this very rare species of impossible love, there are moment where i want to tell people i love them, but would hate to break what we already have. You see allot of people that are recently dating with long distance relationships, if only i were able to have that, i did, at some point, and she meant the world to me, but like everything in life it came crumbling down like a building and all the biggest parts of it fell on me. Now don’t get me wrong it was never the girls fault, if she were to ever read this, first off what the hell is that replacement? But second off it was never your fault alright. I made a decision which i now have to live with, how much i would give to go back and fix it, how much i have thought about how it would’ve gone if she went against it, how happy we would’ve been, we really got wrecked by my friends and theories about us. But back to impossible love, i have never confessed this love and now its already too late, but i have loved someone oh so much for the past time, and i really think she would be my “they lived happily ever after” but hey, you miss every shot you don’t shoot and i in fact did not shoot, someone stole my shot, and hit it directly in the bullseye. All i have been doing and can do is just support their relationship, because loving someone isn’t just being with them, it’s loving them unconditionally, or how Shakira said, “whenever, wherever”. So all i can do now is support them, even though i could, and don’t fire at me for saying this, but beat the actual shit out of her boyfriend now. It’s so hard when everytime something happens between them i have to step in and i still somehow find it in me to comfort her by vouching for the boyfriend, even though i could strangle him until his very end. But overall, impossible love is the hardest kind of love, because you have already gotten over the person before anything has even been real to them.

To be honest this is not what i thought i would write, i thought this would be allot more about my life and not this specific part but hey guess ill just do new blog, new topic. Love to everyone that has read all the way through and if you feel targeted or feel like you relate don’t be scared to message me, i don’t bite. For whoever is having a hard time like me, just try hanging in there like i am trying to, find something or someone to hang onto. This was Casper by the way…