Introspective

This is just a random rant of my own thoughts I guess ? ? ?

The Problem

Years ago I really felt underwhelmed about myself, its like I just needed to prove myself and other people that I was worth something. And its like this switch turned on for me, where I suddenly found myself trying to do everything to feel at least some sort of success amongst my piers. It was the sort of unhealthy motivation that drove me to inhumane amounts of hours working on stuff that I knew most people wouldn't even bat an eye to. 3D art, electronics, programming, music; all of these things I tried to take advantage of, and in huge part it was because I fell in love with doing these things, but the motivation behind these was way too fucking out of hand.

In The Present

Today I feel like even after succeeding in releasing music that I find good and also making so many other side projects that make me super happy, I still feel this sort of drive to be better. Its like I'm in the exact same position as I was in the beginning. I see what I've made and I just can't recognize my effort behind all those things, its like if I just wasn't there when I made those things. It all basically feels like I just didn't do it myself, not because it didn't feel genuine, but because it just felt too good to be true. This sort of goes into the realm of Impostor Syndrome, where I just end up dragging my work down because it just feels like I couldn't have done it, just looks too easy on hindsight, when I am completely aware that the time it took to develop all of these skills to this level took me more than half a decade. Even now that I am working on some really good pieces of music, I always find myself comparing my works to others, others which I remind you have far more experience than I do. After months of not listening to my old mixes, I revisit them and find myself in awe that I was able to make something good. When friends ask me how I do it, my genuine answer is just that I don't know. All my good ideas come from the state of mind that I should just not care about rules and the process, and just do as I please. But when I want to make something seriously it always ends up the wrong way.

Just some weird ranting at 3 am I felt was necessary to nurture my thoughts.