08/01/2025 Teaching myself maths and to be happy being happy.

This is a long ass ramble I wanted to write because I enjoy writing idc that noone asked. Heres new cynthoni song because its awesome and I cant stop listening.

With currently 32 days left until I can move for uni (I have an apartment with a contract that starts when I turn 18) I find any way possible to fill my time. I hate it.

I’ve had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I only figured out it was social anxiety when I was watching Bocchi the rock when it came out - early 2023. I knew my head made it harder to go outside after I played yume nikki for the first time in early 2022/late 2023, but I still thought that all the time I spent inside was a choice.

In reality, I was scared. And I actually hate being inside. But now I’m able to function decently well. Halfway through this year I think I really understood what having social anxiety means in practice. I understood that I’m kinda just scared of nothing and its okay. That’s okay. I know a lot about myself and TLDR: I’ve got my biological , genetic, physiological, cognitive, psychological, social, and emotional reasons to be scared - and they’re all valid. But I care more about being happy. Its funny. As an extrovert, having social anxiety essentially means that of my many fears, being happy is my gravest. And that is a statement that pretty much sums me up.

At the end of the day when I evaluate all my decisions, I look closely at the ones I regret. 

The ones I made because I was scared. Why did I do that?

What would have happened if I had of chosen the option I really wanted? I would have been happy - that's the answer. 

There’s this notion that I think haunts me essentially. Discipline and self-control are these great values that are at the top of the value pyramid. But for me, all they are is a manifestation of my self-hatred. I’m not good at saving money because I have am stoic - I’m good at saving money because I’m willing to be miserable and go without happiness for some arbitrary goal that ultimately won’t really make me happy. I just think this is the ‘best’ path. 

The more I learn about psychology, the more that comparing myself to a plant brings me relief and insight to myself.

Sometimes when I study math I think ‘maybe I should stop, I don't want to run out of math to do.’ Then what? I feel achieved and have to find more math to do. I can apply all I know. What am I afraid of? Not knowing what to do. I’ll have to figure out what to do when I achieve my goal, so I’m going to self-sabotage my goal because I don’t want to fulfill it. I don’t want to be happy. Because then what?

It’s a bit of a frail example, but I hope you get the point: this is everything in my life. Not just math. 

And that's okay. Figuring out where to go next is hard. Maybe I wont have the drive or confidence to apply all the things I learn once I learn it all. I understand why I feel that way, but I don’t want to.

Would a plant do this? Would a plant stop growing towards the sun, in fear of growing too tall for its flower to still be in the light? Would a plant  limit the growth of its roots because it fears growing too big and having nowhere else to go?

No. They grow and they grow. They eventually fold and bend when they can no longer support themselves. Their root systems become strong parts of the ground’s foundations, terraforming the land. Okay this is a bad explanation of the metaphor: but plants grow out of being plants. They do their best with no hesitation, and when they peak? They come back down. They re-seed. They form cliffs.

But as a human I fear that. I fear being my best. I fear reaching that unattainable height, and that arbitrary goal. Because then what?

I go outside. And then what? I enjoy myself? I feel free? Then how can I lay in bed thinking of going outside everyday? I am now pretty well functioning despite social anxiety. I can leave the house when I want, I can talk to whoever I want and people view me as a sociable and extroverted person. Yes I sweat, my hands shake and I tell myself they’ll all laugh at me. But they won’t. And I can’t stop the sweating or the shaking, but I can understand that is has a reason for being there, just as much as I have a reason for being here.

Doing math everyday makes me nostalgic for 2023. I had an amazing math teacher for my mathematical methods class I was taking. I am so grateful to Miss P. Unfortunately, I was too sick in the head that year to give my all to her as a student. I hate myself for that. I wake up every day regretting how much harder I could have been trying. I now dedicate A LOT of myself to my studies and consider academics a very important thing to myself. 

Thinking I liked being inside for so long, I very much made it a part of my identity. I hated school because ‘that's who I am”. Some yumenikkicore hikikomori who hates going outside and chooses to be inside. Because everyone hates me and I hate them too. Because the systems fucked. And it is. But I can actually function fine when I want to: When I want to be happy. I’m very grateful. I’m actually not a visual or a hands on learner. I love studying. I love being stressed. I actually have a normal amount of spoons, and I can read other peoples moods and social cues and I can be funny and included. Turns out, I was the one excluding myself out of fear.

I yearn to live everyday in a way, so that I collapse on to my bed exhausted at night. 

And now having to wait all this time to move? Being trapped in a small country town?

I spent 18 years learning about myself and challenging my social anxiety. And now. I’m forced to stay here. In this town. As soon as I have the strength to choose to go outside, to choose to be happy, and to choose to try my hardest…

My choice is taken off me. 

All I can do is wait 32 days until I’m free. Until then, I do maths. I also bought hair dye today! I’m a very stingy spender because I’m willing to go without things to have more money in the long term - but so what? Do I not believe I’ll be able to keep the financial stability I’ve always had with my own finances? I have so much money saved, even after paying my apartment bond and 2 weeks rent, yet I still mull over every purchase, hundreds of thing I want, and a handful of things I need that I simply go without - because I honestly don’t feel like I deserve it. That's the bottom line. I don’t think I deserve to be happy. And that's understandable. From the way I’ve been treated by others and myself. Surely its indicative of something wrong I’ve done? I have so many reasons to feel that way.

But I have more reasons to be happy. To be free. And to dye my hair!  I thunk today, maybe what I want, what I deserve, and what I get are 3 entirely different, yet interrelated categories.

I went to therapy in 2023 and my therapist wasn't specialising in what I went there for (not social anxiety). Additionally, both my parents were heroin addicts. While my father is absent, I have a very present, very recovered and clean mother. Because of this, I have a lot of overlap in the way I think, and the way addiction recovery psychology thinks LOL. I'm rewatching breaking atm and I think its a bit funny how my mental illness that the general public seems to have no association with addiction to, has a lot of overlap! The more I study psychology, the more I feel the mental illness I had is severely under researched and understood ( this is a fact! ) and how much it could benefit from an integrated understanding of addiction in conjunction with the current models with OCD and anxiety and such. I am no longer mentally ill and I will keep its name a secret because I hate being associated with it! If you wish to know whats wrong with me I have self diagnosed OCD and social anxiety!!! It sucks but I have learnt to walk with myself! Im a neurotic fuck and thats okay!