Break Ups, Deserving Better, Choosing Oneself

Moving On.

My on and off boyfriend (of 9 years) and I just broke up, for good this time. Of course I've said that before, but this time I mean it. I've said that before too, but this time, I really, really mean it. I've also, said that before. Honestly, it doesn't matter. Because this time, I mean it. You see, 7, or 8, months ago when we decided to start talking again, we both agreed that this was the LAST time we were trying. That we would give it our best, and if it didn't work out this time, we weren't doing this again. That's a boundary that I put in place after years of constant heartbreak. So what led to this, and why, after so long, could we still not get it right??

Let me give you a little bit of a backstory. For the sake of time, and not boring you to death, I'll try to stick to the parts most important for this blog. Trust me when I say, this blog will be missing SO many details of our relationship and connection, though. Anyways- We met each other at a very young age. Within maybe 6 months we started dating, and we were together for about 8 months or so. This had been my longest relationship yet, and of course, he was my first love(it's no wonder this has all been excruciatingly painful). I've got to say, he was one of the best I had ever found. And in a few ways, he still is, but a lot of that was flushed down the toilet in the coming years. Due to a traumatic and emotional event for the both of us, we broke up. Little did either of us know, that this would be the start of a vicious, and painful, cycle.

For the next 8 years we would continue dating on and off, we even got married over Facebook messenger when he was living in Alaska. Of course it wasn't legal, but we still had friend's present to witness it, and we still said vows, and of course, I wore a sapphire ring on my left finger- his birth stone. However in all these 8 years, it was truly, almost always a shit show. A few times we'd be talking or dating again, before I would find out he was dating another girl. This always resulted in me blowing up on him, and telling him how unfair it was not only to me, but to her. And of course, I'd tell him to NEVER talk to me again. But of course that also, never lasted. Other times he just didn't seem to take it seriously at all, he never wanted to put it out there that we were back together. Never saw me, and most times, I was lucky to even get a text from him in a day. This also, resulted in me getting frustrated, breaking things off, and saying some painfully true shit to try and open his eyes.

The last time this had happened, I felt I was truly done. I spent 6 months waiting for him to be "ready" to be with me, and when it finally happened, it took all but 2 weeks for him to DESTROY me, again. Despite this, we continued talking and trying to work it out for another 2 or 3 months, before one morning I just woke up, cried over the lack of love I was feeling, and impulsively texted him "go find some other bitch to play games with" and that was it. We didn't speak for over a year, except the ONE time he accused me of throwing something at his car (it really wasn't me). In the mean time, he had no problem dating someone I used to call my best friend- and putting it out there for everyone to know and see.

So anyways, enough of that. I think you get the point, let's fast forward. This year, April 2021, my father passed away. He found out about this and reached out to ask if he was welcome to the memorial service, to which I told him of course he was- he was my parent's favorite after all. And I didn't feel now was the time to be petty. My dad liked him, so I would allow him the opportunity to pay his respects. He ended up admitting to me that he still wasn't over me (of course, why would he be?) and I told him that now was not a good time for starting anything up and that IF we were to take that road again, we need to get to know each other again. He respected this.

Some months later I confessed that I could no longer hide what I still felt for him, and thus, we started talking again. We laid out boundaries and expectations, and for a while, it was going really well. So much better than it had ever gone in the past, with the exception of the first time we were ever together. I was feeling very hopeful that it would work out this time, but of course, after a few months he would stop making time for me, and essentially go back to how he used to act except he just texted me more because he knew I had a boundary with that due to our issues in the past. I accepted that for 4 months, I let it slide with little complaint. Okay Aru, get on with it, what happened?

In the last week I have been feeling like I deserve better than this (and I do), and after a few days of really sitting on that- I messaged him about it. A LOT of things were said, but it really boils down to "I'm tired of waiting, I deserve better, you need to figure out what you want, and if it's not a fuck yes then it's a fuck no". In the end, he told me it's not a fuck yes. Ouch. That hurt more than I though it would. You mean in 9 years of telling me you love me, in 6 months of telling me you miss me, you want this to work, you want me... it's not a fuck yes? You mean you kept me all to yourself, giving me SO much less than I deserve, for 6 months, just to tell me you really didn't want me that bad?? I mean, I guess I should have known considering you ALWAYS give me less than I deserve. But I guess I was just looking at you with rose colored glasses on, because all the sweet talk and attention made me feel like I could keep waiting. In the end, I just realized I was worth more than the occasional love bomb.

Anyways, so I lost the love of my life, for good. It hurts, and I'm sad.. but honestly? I'm okay. I truly do deserve better. By saying what I said, I stood up for myself. I spoke up for myself. I advocated for myself and my needs. I respected myself. I chose myself. And even though sometimes, when it's quiet and I'm not busy, the pain creeps in and I might even cry, I know that this pain won't last forever. And I can have closure in the fact that this time, I didn't leave. I didn't screw this up. HE made his choice. He said it wasn't a fuck yes, and he knew what he was doing by saying that. He may be okay with his decision right now, while it's still fresh. But I know that his time will come. It always does. He is going to miss me the way I miss him. He is going to hurt the way I'm hurting. And when that happens, I will be well on my way. I will have already healed all the pain and hurt that I'm feeling right now. I may or may not find someone who gives me everything I deserve and more, but even if I don't, I'll be happy. I'll be fulfilled. Without him. And he will have to live with the decision that he made every single day for the rest of his life, because in the end, I lost nothing- but he, well he lost someone who loved him more than anything in this world. He lost someone who never truly gave up on him. He lost someone who always saw the best in him, who always cared. Someone who sacrificed parts of themselves to save his own life. He lost everything anyone else would dream of having in a partner. I lost nothing, but he lost everything. So I'll be okay. I have nothing to regret here.

All of this to say, sis, you deserve better. If he's not loving you the way you deserve to be loved, find someone who will, or do it yourself. You deserve so much more. And if you think your standards are too high, they're not. There is someone who wants to meet every last one of them, and so much more. So keep them there. Move them higher. Don't you ever settle for less. You deserve the world.

I love you, and if you made it this far, thanks for reading. Until next time. 🤍