Life, (Unintresting topic)

Hey,

haii.

Welcome to this new blog. simply written by a difficult person.

Little bit of this little bit of that. (Diary, Little posting about other things. who knows.)

Starting with today. 8th of january, 2025, the year ill turn 18.

Its been rough lately, but ofcours there are bits of light.

Just like stars in a dark sky.

People can be those stars, or the things that make you happy.

Today was, better. did my room and felt proud.

Love talking to people while doing something. feels like they are here with me.

I miss it, the deep convesations while they are being blown away as ''Venting''or ''weird'' people only do small talk, thats what it feels like its the only thing they know.

i just cant seem to bring it on the people to discuss that topic with them. i feel like like it wont matter in the end of the day, because what will it make them feel.

Its the feeling of regret that fills me lately, Not saying the things i want and making a fool of myself, Rude. Unintrested.

Yet it doesnt feel like im changing I dont want to change completely, dont get me wrong. my ways need a little, for the better ofcourse. im scared to show my whole true self due to the judgement in the past. that words do hit in one way or another. and to see that, Admit that. hurts.

It seems to me that my time spend with another is bothering them in one way or another.

Ill be haunted by the fact i might get addicted to a person. Last time that ruined me. lost myself

Still searching for her, havent given up just yet,

Slowly but surely terrified of ageing. Its normal yes but imagine the people you love now gone. one way or another.

Staring into that mirror, the one ive made many faces, photos in. just looking at myself. 

That hurts. i dont find myself pretty. Okay, Im blonde, Yes i might make pretty pictures but how can someone stare at this, the nose, the mouth the jaw the rounding of my face.

Love kills me. and im terrified of falling again.i need to stop thinking, its ridiculous the ways my imagination fools me.

Im so stuck on the series, ''Anne with an e'' Something about anne just relates to me, if its the way she's diffrent from others. the way she isnt that rich. the way she is.

What does it matter, People come and go. But i want some to stay. especially now.

even if it meant ill be tortured with the way i cling onto someone for that bare minimum attention.

That never feels right. as it shouldnt be.

Terrified of judgment, Terrified of lies.

My mind and heart lay in a fight the same as truth and lies. i just wanted comfort.

I find myself back to her. with a few people around me. who i feel safe with. things i share id never share.

Ive cried over the fact, ive been so stupid. i wanted to be loved. not lusted.

im sorry for those ive hurt and those who cant speak their voice over the problems their mind have and the heart lives.

Ill edit this later, I have some more things on mind for the night but ill see you soon 

Love you to the ones taking their time reading this,

Reach out on here if ur struggling. i might be able to help

Please remember to speak ur voice ones in a while. someone u trust.

Dont bottle things up like i did myself.

Part two, soon up. Give me day or 1/2

Always been a dreamer. Yet sleeping problems.

Same goes for the faces ive made. Personalities ive created. Yes i hate myself for those,

I still own a few. For some im rather happy and ones that disgust me and myself. Therefore i will explain these. And the way it works. In my view.

The way ive felt angry most of the time. "Sadness turns into anger" and ill react that out on the people that never deserved it. 

The mindset of. "Im better" i never deserve to have that. I find myself with the right music, vibe. Etc like a total drama queen acting like a brat. Like im hot as fuck or whatsoever. (I might bring this topic back up in the future.)🩷

How i push away people for attention.. i think thats why. At some point i lose intrest in the same amount. I want more or less so ill pull anf push someone. 

I never have the words in dutch to express this better.

How pathetic it may sound. That little girl still expects a hug or praise. They told me not to bother and that my feelings didnt matter because i needed to get a grip on myself. Thats.. odd. To say the least.

Little things seem like a big thing to me. Waking up and eating? Doing my room? Making someone's day.

Ive yet not decided what clothing style i want. Ill wear more masks. I hate the lower half of my face specifically.

I wanted to go ice skating. As i said im a bit difficult to get as the stories go on. As they fall on another topic each time.

I never tought of myself as magical or whatsoever but every day or so i seem to see how im not like the normal girls. I dont talk abt boys or make up. Ive always had more guy friends. Had people who couldnt get that.

I hate those words. You know? Let me name a few.

Pick me girl, Ive only ever heard this while hanging out with a guy. Why does it make me a pick me when im not into the other things. When id rather have a mens attention who might get me better. And never been the type for it anyways. Im not acting any special.

Situationship/talkingstage or any of those terms.

Romance is so dead lately its almost insane. What do you mean u cant just love one person. Who u will the rest of ur life. But no. Ofcourse not bc you wouldnt have "rizz" or whatever. What does it matter? I just want someone im not afraid to love. Who finds the clues.

My tiktok reposts say a few. Not everything. My spotify just looks silly

8th of january, 12:40.

writing on my couch for the time my head's running wild with toughts, like a sea at storm.

Im always watching anne, the storyline is just so interesting, the characters just make sense.

I wish i was a normal girl sometimes.not a burden, I never wished for what has become of me. I  never made my family proud, and its this feeling on my shoulder.

For those who dont know, let me fill in the blanks.

A year now ago i had what felt like a full blown burn out. Let me explain.

Ever since school started. At the age of.4? 5? i wouldnt be able to remember.

I've always been bullied. i remember the ways i used to be,

Imagine this.

A blonde short girl, freckles on her face pretty green mixed eyes with her own ways, wether it was to help people or to live in her own ways

The girl who would dance around the class when she was imagining her own world  always doing things her own way, 

I remember when i was 10? (groep 6.) I got a snappet, this tablet. i had problems with my attention span. the way i could never focus on the task at hand. and i still cant just do one thing without getting bored. ive always been looked at either blamed for how i looked, way i acted or my imagination, the way i spoke 

I had friends, just i was always the last  pick, i always heard about partys or sleepovers i never got invitied to by my own ''friends'' i mean i had a few.

Less about friends,

I still regret my actions from the past, so ive had the tought to write about it. as a way of settlement that that is over. something to be judged on or not.

ive been a liar havent been fair to those ive loved and got to know.

I do love writing my wrongs for the consquenses they might have if i dont.

but does it help  me if i dont know wether its private or not.

Ive struggled with time. it scares me.

getting older, the past. the things that were and have been.

'

Sorryy Was busy watching the seriesss.

Fuck i love nerds.

When theyre shy and nerdy and creative.when he acts the way 

RAAAAAAAAH

prob why the last one was hard to get over.

I remember malory and nikita.

A belgium, And a south african. they were pretty. but ehh. one was always in trouble and needing comfort the other was a little cold and i was weird back then

the way i texted. ive seen a few screenshots and all.

OMGGGGGAYYAYYAYYAYASHE KISSED THE NERDDD (sorry just excited about my series i love ittt ^0^)

yes i was ugly. my face still is, the eyes, mouth. the way my face is shaped. 

cant seem to find the words to go on.