Been A Rough Time

I realized upon formatting all this that I do not truly know how to start this off. I have a lot I want to get off of my chest and just write about but I am also worried it will meet the wrong people. I did not make many good choices in these last few months and it is hitting me like a freight train. Granted, I am getting help for it at the moment but still, it is not the best feeling in the world right now. This is why I am thankful for my loving friends for putting up with all my feelings and helping me out of the horrible slump I was in. Without them along with my loving boyfriend, I totally would not be in the mindset I am in now and would be doing way worse. I would've disappeared. 

Random Disclaaaimer

So just to clarify, this is all just things that have happened in the past month. I do NOT feel like I want to end it all anymore so let us calm down. There will be mentions of that here so brace yourselves. I have rewritten all of my rights and changed all my wrongs. Now I am also doing better with looking after myself and getting to a spot where I feel comfortable being me. Originally, I was not in that position and it is the greatest thing ever now. I feel free and like I have a soul again. I will not be letting anyone take that feeling away from me. If you are ever feeling that sad please talk to someone and get help whether it is professional or simple. It truly helps a ton, trust me.

Onto The Good Bit

So before my winter break, I was told that my mother was going to leave and I got anxious. I had been with my mother so long so hearing she was going to leave out of the blue was probably the most stomach-turning thing ever. I had thought I did something. That she didn't want me as her kid anymore. That I was at fault. I put my foot down and told her that wherever she was going, I was going to follow regardless of the circumstances and it made her laugh. She wanted me to stay with her. I was the happiest anyone could have ever been when I heard that. Then it never was brought up again. I thought my parents had solved their conflict and we were all okay/ Boy was I wrong. Skip time and now my little brother and I are packing up our rooms so we can move back in with our Nana and Papa. My dad left the whole day so he didn't have to see us move. It made me think he disliked us kids for wanting to go with our mother. In my head, this whole ordeal was on my shoulders and it was my fault. Of course, now I know that that is not the case and that it was the best option for the situation we were all in. During the process, I ended up having to go to the counselors for an attempt. I had tried to OD and now cannot take any pill medication without being monitored. I had scared the hell out of my family and still beat myself up about it. I don't really know how to say much more. After that, I felt lost for weeks. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone. But at the same time, being alone was just eating me inside. It was making my thoughts spiral until eventually I couldn't take it. I knew I had to push through. And push through is what I did. I talked to my friends about what was bugging me--shoutout to them-- and they all were so supportive. I was getting the love and support I needed. And that was such a good feeling man. It is like seeing yourself be rebuilt into a better you. And when that is in motion, it's hard to stay sad.

Moral of The Story

Being sad is only a temporary thing. I learned that the hard way, but damnit I'm so glad I learned it at all. It helped me grow as a person and helped me find what I needed to be closer to feeling 100%. I have accepted that I may not ever feel 100% ever again but that is alright. I am not going to solve this problem with a permanent solution, as cliche as that sounds. I am going to stay and keep pushing through to achieve my goals which I will eventually blog about, but this was kind of a warmup blog haha. I hope I did well on it and didn't like scare people lmao.