a vent about dysphoria and binding

i adore my binder. seriously i wish i could never take that shit off again. ik you're not supposed to bind all day but i don't feel like a person when i'm not wearing it. i just feel like shit every time i feel or see my chest. it's like a tumour. every time i look down it's like i'm even looking at myself anymore. i just- i feel so much shock followed by despair when i realize that i cannot get this off of me. i'll definetly get top surgery as soon as i can because this brings me so much distress i can't even explain it. i developed kyphosis about 2 years ago from the constant slouching to hide my chest and i still struggle with that. currently my dysphoria is so bad i'm literally shaking lol
i just wish i were born a regular dude. or at least to have a accepting family who'd help me through this. whatever though. it is what it is, i guess :((