Desperate, and it scares me.

I cant stop thinking about her today

i keep anxiously checking my strawpage for any  new or word, and i feel like maybe i shouldn't be doing this. maybe i'm setting myself up for the worst. my emotions could still be fucked, but idk tbh because rn im just really scared. i desperately want to see my best friend but i also am so afraid of ruinning her life and becoming annoying.

Sometimes i idolize myself and think im the smartest and im the best person ever, but whenever it comes to her or ghostly, i put myself under them, i think of these two highly, or i at least want to. they mean the world to me and as much as i might see or talk to people irl in school, i can say with my WHOLE HEART that they're the only people i constantly think about. and it scares me. it scares me because the last time i idolized someone this much bad things happened  between us and our relationship was never the same. What if i fuck up speaking to cinni and i make them all hate me? what if they already hate me? what if im obsessive? and just another one of her 20 something crazy exes? Is what i'm doing wrong? should i have not said anything to her? Does everyone back on discord not want me?

im starting to remember another reason why i left with no word, and how much its worrying me now. I never wanted to tell anyone i broke up with cinni, because people would probably start to hate her, and be nosy, and say stuff like "I told you!" Because a small few of people i'm semi close to have said some nasty shit about her that make me so upset and protective over her. im not mad at her for breaking things off, im just upset that the guy shes dating doesn't seem to be doing a fucking good job at giving her what she deserves. he lacks in the ONE area that i was the best in last time i remember, and it makes me. so. fucking. mad.

If she cant date me, i understand, and thats fine. i've started to realize that what she really needs is something physical and someone to ACTUALLY be there and not be so far away and long distance, even if i was fine with it, it wasn't mutual. But if she's gonna date someone else, i want them to be a GREAT guy/girl. not some... Scrawny pussy boy.

maybe i'm being too harsh. i mean, i'm not even sure this boy is even bad anymore, it has been a month, and they're still together..so...maybe he got better?

if this kid is actually making some sort of improvement to give her what she needs, i'll be happy and okay knowing shes left in good hands. But i SWEAR to GOD if fucking LANLEL is not doing his fucking job im going to whip that guy into shape and show him how to ACTUALLY Care for cinni.

  .  .  .  

this is what i mean when i say maybe i MIGHT not be safe to go back. Even if im not mad at Cinni for me and her not being together, what makes me upset is that shes potentially dating  her standards DOWN. I honestly just think she should be prized more. im not saying that just because i'm her best friend. if more people actually got to know her deeply they'd really understand, and she wouldn't have to constantly feel like everyone in the world hates her.

Sure, i'll admit it, she is kinda....intelligently absent... but i digress, because all that means is that in nature, she's not trying to ever be malicious with her intent towards partners or friends, its more so just bad impulse decisions made without thinking, or done due to fear of confronting a bigger problem that'll come to bite her in the back.

She's an amazing person, who makes stupid decisions, basically. and despite that, i love her. i dont care about what happens as long as she doesn't become some sorta heartless annoying jerk.

these dumb complex feelings and shit are what made me wanna leave. i get nervous sometimes that she thinks i left bcs i hate her, and while i DID leave due to something related to her, it wasn't to be rude, it was to keep her and all of my other friends safe, bcs i was being so harmful and hurtful to myself.

ghhhhhhhhhhh i need to just pass out FOREVER i cant wait to get out of school.

My heart and stomach hurt. why

sorry that this is like the millionth time i've blogged about this situation, its just taking a toll on my emotions, and i just dont wanna put the drama or pressure onto my friends. its why i'm even here in the first place.

man i gotta end this noww i need to go back to class.

sorry for talking a lot abt negative stuff recently. im just a ball of anxiety.

-Cozmite