with every new snow - reflection

i woke up to a snowy landscape outside today. i don't know why, but it always puts me in a nostalgic and reflective mood. maybe it has something to do with a new year coming around, or maybe just the serenity of it all, as soon as the last cheap fireworks fail to imitate the stars. i started my first diary in winter. i started my venting account in winter (the vent app is gone now, good riddance). i started my first website in winter, my current one too. yeah, there must be something about this time.

and here i am, sicker than ever. i think covid has tattered my immune system beyond repair. i used to never get sick, now it happens every few weeks or so it seems. i am also more broke than ever - rising prices and stagnating disability money don't do my finances any favors. and yet my creativity seems to be blossoming despite it all. it's like i have some sort of drive that won't let me give up no matter how miserable i am. it's like a last shot of adrenaline before succumbing to your wounds, except on a loop. sometimes i feel like chance is keeping me alive artificially, long after my due. but what else can i do, other than persevere?

with every day i am coming to terms with being autistic - i guess it's basically confirmed by now, with how many professionals seem to see me as such. it really does explain my constant exhaustion with the world, the feelings of inadequacy. even after all this time, i struggle with feeling like i can never relax and just be me. i alwas feel like i have to put in extra effort to deserve a place in the world, to prevent 'friendship decay'. ironically, it seems to be straining my friendships instead. things really do seem to be easier when you are alone, but if they were better, would i still be this afraid to abandon everyone? i still long for connections. even a tre without a forest is connected to the world. to the root system, to the symbiotic mycelium, to the dirt of it all.

i have a lot of work to do. i want to build a life i do not want to run away from. i want to spend the rest of my days with my lovely darling. one of my year 2025 resolutions it to apply on a housing waiting list, so we can move in together. i have many more concrete goals. no matter how specific and small and necessary i made them, i honestly would rather let the snow cover me. i know it's silly to be angry about having to work on myself if everyone kind of has to do it, i just wish the work stopped for me sometime. even when i'm resting, i second-guess myself.

but well, at least i can write it all down. maybe it won't be as heavy on my brain if i do? i was reading back on some of my posts here and i am really glad they are still here. i am some sort of a thought hoarder and i am afraid of forgetting things and missing connections. i really shouldn't have to try to keep it all in my dissociative, hole-ridden brain.

'The present moment holds infinite riches beyond your wildest dreams.', proclaims my daily cat photo calendar i got for christmas. Hm.