january 5, 2025 : the spice i can no longer tolerate

I’m eating Buldak right now, but it doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t taste the same. Back then, the carbonara flavor used to be my favorite. I’d eat it without hesitation and sometimes pairing it with Ruffles for that perfect combination of creamy, spicy, and crunchy. Even when I had just the carbonara or cheese flavor by itself, like the cheese flavor I’m having now, it was still something I could handle, and even enjoy. But now? I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s like it’s become something foreign and unwelcoming.

I keep wondering what changed. Is it because I haven’t eaten Buldak in months? Or is it because the only flavor I can get my hands on is cheese, and that just isn’t enough? Maybe it’s because I stopped eating it with chips. I even tried pairing it with V-Cut last time, hoping to recreate the comfort I once felt, but it didn’t work. Instead, the spice felt sharper, harsher—almost like it was pushing me away, refusing to let me find the familiarity I was searching for.

This didn’t happen overnight. It started last month, this strange, unsettling feeling. It crept up on me slowly, and I didn’t notice it at first but now, it’s impossible to ignore. I can no longer handle the spice and that terrifies. Buldak used to be more than just food, it was my escape. When everything else felt too much, that fiery heat was something I could count on. It didn’t just burn; it filled me. It reminded me I was still here, still capable of feeling something, even if it was just the heat on my tongue.

But now? Now, that fire feels different. It doesn’t fill me anymore. It feels empty, almost cruel, like a reminder of how much things have changed and what scares me most is that I’m starting to resent it, the very thing I used to crave, the thing that once gave me comfort.

These days, I’ve resorted to adding just a teaspoon of my leftover Buldak sauce to a bowl of rice, hoping to feel even a fraction of the comfort I used to. It’s not as spicy as it once was, but it’s something I can tolerate now though it’s not the same. I yearn for the days when I could eat a full bowl of noodles without hesitation, without second-guessing myself, without the nausea hitting me before I even take a bite.

Today, I could only manage a teaspoon of sauce when I used to handle half the packet with ease. I tried so hard to bring back the feeling I used to love by adding a whole pack of Cheez Whiz, sprinkled grated cheese, hoping it would soften the spice and make it feel familiar again but it didn’t work. The spice was still there, but the joy wasn't here. I didn't know a bowl of noodles can hold so much meaning but now it does. Or at least, it did. Losing that connection feels like losing a piece of myself, a piece I didn’t even realize I’d tied to it and now, all I can think is: did Buldak change, or was it me? Did I outgrow something I once thought I couldn’t live without?

The thought scares me more than I care to admit. I used to find so much in that spice, my comfort, distraction, and even a sense of control but now, it’s like I don’t know what to do with it. And honestly? I don’t know what to do with myself either.