just watched look back... dont speak to me

this movie nearly made me cry tears you have to watch it if you havent... its only 58 minutes (barely when excluding credits)

a few years ago i had a science teacher, who in good faith and complete reason, tried to explain the risks of doing freelance art as a career. i was particularly sensitive to this comment, as at the time i myself wasn't at all confident it would work out - which makes sense considering i was like 14 at the time.

for a while afterwards i couldn't draw without breaking down into tears because drawing was meaningless. there was no reason to draw.

i no longer have the same ambitions to be the greatest artist alive. i wonder how things would be different now if he never spoke to me that day.

it's odd, i'll never draw 'for the last time' - unless i foresee my own death. i always come back to drawing. when theres nothing i can do, i often crawl into a ball and cry. and then i draw. because its the only thing i can do. at the bottom of the ivy barrel, remains drawing.

i started drawing in 7th grade because i wanted people to think i was cool. we were in viscom (fake art class) and the task was drawing a miniature version of ourselves. i found myself looking into speedpaints on youtube and found hyanna natsu - deciding in that moment it was the coolest thing id ever seen and wanted people to think i was cool like that; and like the resident art kid in class. she barely ever came to school for whatever reason but was profoundly good at art - no joke she used ibis paint and her finger.

we ended up becoming friends, but were not really close anymore. i dont particularly mind tbh :v

but i still draw. no matter how meaningless and regardless of whether or not i have an end goal. i dont seem to have any goals. and i dont seem to have a foreseeable end product with all this time i invest into drawing. but i cant really not draw.

Fujino is so me fr. i will never forget the feeling of seeing someone better than me at something i take so much pride in - and instantly being so ashamed of how much i pretend not to care. how much i try to brush it off as 'yeah i do that i guess' pretending its not all i think about.

i will never forget specifically, receiving my results after year 12 and pretending all day i was satisfied, only to stay up all night crying. disappointed that i was, in fact, not the shit. i, in fact, did not try my best. and all i want is to do better so i can get the award for first place. so i can be the one in the newspaper. im a jealous bitch and i cant handle not being the centre of attention. maybe thats not fujino, but fujino is still just like me fr.