exhaustion & plexiglass

thinking a lot lately about this state of exhaustion i've lived in my whole life and how its shaped me fundamentally as a person. in both good and bad (and many much more complicated) ways. even here, how much of my thoughts can i get out before i have not the energy to continue? how do you prioritize a paragraph - let alone a life - when baseline is zero battery? 

i spend a lot of time, energy, and effort attempting to communicate. and very little time, it seems, effectively doing so. i find myself lately more and more just removing myself. from groups, conversations, situations. i've always lived behind a plexiglass wall and i'm only now starting to realize when i bang my fists on this invisible wall begging everyone else just thinks I'm crazy. so i stop. i sit quietly. i'm exhausted. i always have been. i gave it all anyway. 

i gave it all and it was all taken. i built a fortress out of a bedroom with stories scattered across the floor. the plexiglass is a friend now. hello, goodbye. 

and its in the ways i think, how i sit, how i boil it down, how i will never ever be able to tell you my mind, the exhaustion, the state of things as they truly stand, it is unknowable incomprehensible even to my self (though perhaps not selves, but there lay tricky waters). 

it all moves so fast and there is always so much and i can never get it out and i think one day maybe i will just bubble so big inside myself there will never be an empty space in the plexiglass bedroom ever again. if there ever was from the beginning. as it was as it ever shall be. 

i am so tired.