The disgusting consequence of binge eating

This shit sucks

Every time I seem to have gotten it under control, the SECOND I think I might've gotten out of this shitty place I'v been in for like over 1/2 a year now, I find myself eating and eating, yk stuffing my face until I feel sick.

Then I'm in the bathroom, fingers in the back of my throat, hunched over with tears running down my cheeks.

My back hurts, my legs are starting to get tired, my hair is in the way.

In the background some random youtube video is playing on the highest volume to drown out my disgusting, slimy, mush rushing from the stomach, to the throat, out through my mouth landing in the bowl in front beneath me. It creates waves, tsunamis, covering the inside of the toilet in water mixed with halfway-digested foods.

In those moments the only thing I can hear is the dissepointed screaming, judging, angry voice telling me: "I thought you were better than this!", "I though we weren't sick anymore", "this isn't gonna help, you're still fat".

The number keeps falling, the voices keep getting louder, this doesn't make sense anymore, this wasn't supposed to happen. This can't keep happening.

But it will.

It will never stop.

I'm going to be ok with that,

at some point.

But not right now.

For now I'll fight it, for now I'll keep going, for now I'll keep my fingers down the wet, fleshy, tight space that for some perfect reason is so sensitive to my touch. I'll keep going so that I can keep eating, or something resembling feeding my body, nurturing it until I force it all up again.