hhehhehheh help im scared

dddear diarrrrry

aaa :((

i have this friend, their presence basically works like drugs on my brain
wwhen talking with them i'm automatically happy and everything feels alright, like it's all okay

but theyre not exactly an extrovert, their social battery runs out quick
we mainly message online which is super accessible for the both of us

so like when they get a bit tired, that means they stop messaging me as frequently
and to me it feels too sudden
so i go into panic mode
searching for something i maybe did wrong
to cause them to be "acting cold" (giving simple responses)





i automatically go into that mode because i used to have a friend who would play with feelings like that
one minute she'd be my best friend forever and the next it's silent treatment and i have to play a guessing game on what i did wrong
thankfully i'm not friends nor near her anymore
but my brains still wired for that kind of reaction :(





and then i go and freak out asking "did i do something wrong???! D:"

and they go "what. im doing hw??"

an it just keeps happening
i keep feeling like this time. ohh boy this time i DID fuck something up for SURE.
but it never ends up being the truth

ahhhhh so then i cry over perceived rejection while my friend is chillin on the other side of the screen

but also telling them would be awkward an weird, i know we're good friends an basically best friends at this point but i'd feel insane explaining this crap :((

and then i also go and question "WAIT do i have BPD and my friend is my favourite person thing?????? OH NO OH NO OH N-" and then idk ahjgughkhsflk
im tired of this
and it makes me want to isolate from other people
so i won't go all "HELLO WHAT R U DOING EVERY MOMENT"
"WHY ONT U RESPON" on them
but i genuinly wanna check up on them because i care about them and i could help if something suddenly happened to make them upset

but would that show that maybe i don't have trust in them that they would go to me if they need help???

dear godddfgh

pls comment if u have a similar xperience or anything
i feel crazy

(originally i posted this as a bulletin but i put wayy to much time into it to not save it somewhere else lol)