that was crazy! anyway

yeah maybe that was a bit much! im gonna keep my spouts off the internet because that isnt helping anyone including me 

i gotta move on. eventually. i gotta find my own way through it

on the positive side of things, im going out more. i found out theres a kava bar literally steps away from where i live, and i got invited there one night and now i keep going back. i ran into so many people i knew and hadn't seen in a while! they were glad to see i was doing good. i had a lot of people ask me about music, and got several invites to bands/jam sessions which is cool if stuff actually comes from that.

i think becoming more open as a person is gonna help me in the long run

i need to get my tobacco/alcohol problems in check. ive had a few cigars recently and even got my own pack of cigarettes to try. i think when i get sad i forget to care about my body and just do whatever even if i dont enjoy it or need it. that is starting to scare me because never in a million years did i think id smoke cigarettes, especially not this young.

on other topics of good, music for me is going great and im really proud of what ive worked on recently. its some of the best stuff ive ever been able to create. ive just been a bit demotivated to actually get more stuff pumped out, on top of my dad taking forever to mix my newest album.

i wanna set the record straight, im the kind of person that needs to say the things they think in any way possible (usually in a way that wont end up with me getting questioned) regardless of how wrong, stupid, or insane they may be. it also doesnt even matter if people hear me or not, i just need to get my words out or ill actually explode because i dont have the kind of people i can just talk to like that. i dont want to be constantly questioned or combatted against! im not even asking to be told im in the right! i just wanna talk because i literally have to....im not asking anything of anyone. if i think it and feel it, ill say it. if i wanted to ask anything of anyone id find my ways to do so

i have partial closure now atleast, whether it had been easy, intentional, or not. maybe that can help me move on a little easier.