Picking sides?

This is honestly a kind of personal thing i'm going to admit, and has been on my mind for weeks, but i was never exactly sure how to put it into words. ( Not to say i already don't talk about super personal stuff on here, LOL)

I'm slowly starting to get better mentally, and my S/H scars are actually close to healing!

I made a promise to myself that once my scars were fully healed and i could no longer see them in broad daylight or after i showered, that i would be well enough to go back onto discord and other social media with most of my friends, and show my face around them, as if i never left, or if anything was wrong with me!

But, going back to that life means a lot of things. I would be busy more, have a lot of people to speak with, less lonely...ect.

And, sure, that sounds great, AMAZING actually! but when i think about how small my circle is becoming, even if i did have my friends..i think the amount that I'm close with is under 10.

remembering why i left, due to my hate for reaching out when i feel at my worst, always worries me. its something i'm still not over, and it causes me to be weary of even considering going back. What if the cycle repeats? What if i ignore it and end up becoming annoying and "venty" to all my friends? What IF-What if- What IF.

a lot of worries about possible scenarios. and something worries me.

what if i stop using Spacehey? what about my friends on here?

sure, on this website its harder to talk with people so often and make SUPER close connections, it takes a lot of effort really. But, that's something i like about spacehey, and what makes me feel safe on ONLY this social media website compared to twitter, insta, or discord. Less demand, and everything is so... "Go at your own pace" Esc, if that makes sense.. Everyday isn't something big and in your face that you NEED to check immediately, Instant isn't expected here in actuality, and something about being able to just do things whenever YOU want to is...something that resonates with me. it makes me wonder if i really wanna go back to being a discord/twitter regular after this. I've grown so attached to this place even if all i really did was write these blogs solely for myself and made a few little friends along the way.

i know im saying this like my departure is gonna be NOW, but thats not what i mean. I just get emotional about possibility. i get lost in what COULD happen rather than what has happened. common trend for me.

I'm hoping that whenever i do plan on going back, i'll still have time to update this blog for myself, and use it as my coping mechanism. i might not have to pick sides..but maybe finx a nice blend of both?

We'll see.

-Cozmite