haiii !! ^_^ (intro)

sup!! you. yes, you. ur gonna be my diary. ok?

dw, this isn't a threat. you can stop reading anytime u want!!!
i hate wasting my time scrolling on my phone when i'm bored,
so, i'm gonna try to fill that void-like pocket of time with this less mindless one (see what i did there??) ((hint: my username))

i'll try to spend some time typing out my thoughts and feelings instead of completely doing nothing about them and stufffffffff
or something
:3

warning, there is a large chance of me swearing in my entries, or saying depressing shit bcause again, sharing thoughts and feelings. idk if sharing the intense ones would be going against the ruuules....

anyway it's 4 am
and an hour ago i decided i was gonna try and work on my schoolwork. i'm currently doing an art & design course (level 3 for those of u living in the uk and know what that is :3)((extended diploma))
buut like... at the beginning i was so excited to finally start doing art for school. in secondary my school didn't offer art gcse and so i felt extremely left out, knowing that others across the country were having fun in lesson while i had to choose stuff i had no interest in. drama gcse wasn't that bad tho- the writing part of it was a pain in the neck but the performing and devising part was fun :D AAAAAND geography tests were SOOOOO fucking mindnumbing because wdym i need to remember what kind of rocks those are from 4 years ago- but the trips? the 2 trips i had in late january last year were ssooooo gooooooood bro, its just lookin at rivers. goin huh. good river. and walking around where SHAKESPEARE used to live. fun stuff :3 NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT!! DRAMA. SO MANY GOOD TRIPS. CHEAP THEATRE TICKETS!! OMG!!!! I SAW WICKKKEEDD!!!!!!!!!!

i got so sidetracked.
anyway, schoolwork
now even drawing for school is mind-numbing
i don't wanna woorkkkkkk
let me try and create the perfect life for myself
in my own apartment
being able to wake up whenever i wnt
doing commissions for people online
being able to go outside without needing to ask for permission
(and receiving a no most of the time)

my parents don't trust the outside world much

uuuugh god my work

ive been neglecting it so bad
i had so long to work on this shit
but i feel like it's not worth it, and i want to accept defeat
but i can't
not because i have some secret hidden motivation or something
but just bcause i'd just need to work harder in the future.
if i don't turn in a finished sketchbook, i just need to like add onto it later
but i wanna give uuppppp
let me give up
stop poking me with a stick
sometimes i wanna give up before ive even started living
i feel like i haven't started living because i'm basically an infant to the world.

all my friends already have stories, lives theyve lived, conclusions they came to by themselves. experience. intelligence.

and all i have is what ive read from those stories, others' stories. their conclusions. knowledge, but no experience. i feel dumb.
i have all this information, but what if i don't want to listen to it.
i want to experience it.
i want to make my own conclusions :(
let me live

i wish i was a real boy, so that i could go outside without my parents fearing for my life, or body getting used and dumped on the street. i wish i was able to protect myself. i wish i was allowed to.
i asked my mum once if i could go learn karate somewhere or somehow. she didn't give much of an answer. later she says we're not much of a sporty family, with a chuckle. :( that's the family /you/ made. you allowed that to happen, you are half, my dad's the other half, and your children are the proucts of that family, barely under that label. i am what you made.

yhh if i had a deck i would probably be allowed to have a life.
but i wouldn't be here writing my thoughts, soooooo
u win some u lose some.. :/

LOOOSEEERRSSSSS
see yaaaaa it's been half an hour of writing
and i still have my schoolwork to get on with XP