⋆｡°✩ vent ☆

 ☆TW- abuse, sh, smoking, talks of suicide, addiction

things have been so hard recently. i have been dating my bf 4 ab 5 months. i love him so much. i am so attached to him. i love it when he holds my hand, walks me to class, kisses my cheek, sleeps otp with me, ect.. 4 the past 3 months he has been rlly mentally abusive. all of my friends have been telling me to break up with him 4 a rlly long time. i have over 25k followers on tiktok, who often make fan edits of us and how we r the "perfect couple". he recently got caught sneaking out (which i did not encourage) and he got all of his devices taken away. i am not active on twitter / x bc it is a very toxic and triggering place 4 me. i decided to check his account to make sure i wasn't missing anything. he was talking about killing himself which rlly concerned me. i reached out to his mom right away to let her know and to make sure he was okay. she responded with an extremely hateful 12 paragraph message. a grown woman talking to a 14 year old like that. it is so awful. this whole thing stresses me out so much. i know it would be better 4 me to break up with him, but i love him so much. i'm so attached to the relationship. i have struggled with self harm 4 years now, and im 3 months clean. i think if i broke up with him i would relapse. i have been thinking about hurting myself so much recently (mainly over this situation). i bought a vape to try to calm me down, i hope it comes soon. i'm only going to hit it when i am rlly craving sh. i'm addicted to everything now; sh, ed, caffeine, melatonin, ect. i'm gonna read this to my therapist the next time i see him, wish me luck. i want my boyfriend back, the same way he was 4 the first months of our relationship. i rlly hope i can get out of this mess.