¿WHAT IS THIS I REALLY FEEL?

VOLUME 2

¿WHAT IS THIS I REALLY FEEL? 

Today I woke up happy, at the same time sad or just blank. My mind felt empty, like a glass jar with nothing inside, but making any contact with it break into pieces, that's probably how my mind was today, or maybe always, like every day. I really don't understand it, I never understand myself or what I feel, all the time I feel angry or sad, wanting to disappear, sometimes not even that, just feeling empty while a strange sadness takes over me, one that comes from nothing at any time in my life just to ruin me and make me feel bad again. I just wonder when that sadness I have inside of me will one day go away. Right now I feel like I was drowning like last night, I feel a lump in my throat again, it feels horrible, I feel like I can’t breathe, like every single thing I think about will just make it get bigger and bigger, but I can’t stop doing exactly that because I can’t stop thinking and overthinking about stupid things that I should forget about knowing that it’s not healthy for me, or stop worrying about absolutely everything around me. I want to cry right now, I feel so disgusted, angry, frustrated, confused and a million other things because of certain things that I think about, things that I can’t get out of my mind and make me feel more and more insecure, and some are things that I really shouldn’t get like this about since they’re “normal”. I guess my mind is so twisted and I’ve let sensitivity take over me, enough to make anything affect me in the worst way possible, making me think even more than it should. I wish I could stop thinking about all the bad things even if it was just for a moment, I wish I could stop feeling so bad about everything and so insecure about every little thing. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more every day as I let everything consume me, I feel like a stranger in this world, I don't feel like I belong here, is that why the things that happen to me feel so heavy inside me? Everything feels so horrible and so exhausting, I wish I could be quiet for a moment, maybe be in my room and sleep for hours just to escape from everything that overwhelms me, from everything that makes me feel bad, to stop thinking for a little bit. I wish I could hide from the rest somehow, for no one to know about me or my existence, for no one to bother me again or make me feel bad again, I wish I could keep everyone away from me, because every time I'm near someone I feel disgust, knowing perfectly well that they're only going to get in my way even more than how annoying they already are with their mere presence. I hope that one day I can stop thinking about all this, know what is happening to me, why I feel these things, and finally feel good about myself. For now, what am I really feeling?

(I wrote this a few days ago, I think I'm still the same as I was back then)