i hate new year's eve

as a kid i always loved new year's eve. but as i've grown half a brain and realized that i'm not nearly where i wanted to be, who i wanted to be or doing what i wanted to be doing, new year's eve is just a reminder of that fact. it's also an excuse to remember and reflect on all the decisions i made throughout the year and realize that if i could go back i would change so many things and take the path opposed to the one i thought would make sense to take at the time. and with this i feel way too existential way too early in the night and i just want to crawl into a hole (preferably my bed) and die so i don't have to go on to the next year and make poor decisions that'll make me go through the exact same process i go through every damn year, or mess things up in an irreversible way, or have the same fights with my family over and over again, you get the gist. 

And why do i get so emotional every year like ugh i always kick start the year depressed as hell, which if i was the slightest bit optimistic would mean that we can only go up from here but like no, no we can't, how am i meant to start a new year off to a good start if nye just brings out the monsters i've been stuffing under my bed for the past twelve months?

anyway the fireworks are pretty cool 

ciao