???-2025

???-2013 life was perfect i had a mom that could do things with me ofc she was sick sometimes but nott mentally yk and i thought i had a great dad we had money, a house all the toys a child could want. then 2014 hit the father figure i loved so much disrespected my mother and instead of him, my mother was wrongly accused of mutiple things and i was taken from my "perfect" life i was placed into a foster home, a foster home that made me eat my vomit, got me bite by a dog because i had muddy shoes, hit me with baseballs. eventually my mother gained custody of me again in 2015. 2015 started off pretty okay after i was with my mom , but my mom is quit young so we lived with my grandma, at first i loved it but i started to see the true person she was, she was very strict my mother was barley aloud to go out. my mother having sickle cell was a huge issue because my grandma would get tired of me and tell her to come home which means she never got the help she needed, most of the time i knew it was my fault but i couldnt register it till i was older. My grandmother would call use fat, make very upsetting comments to both me and mom and because my grandma wouldnt let my mom go to the hospital for the full amount she needed to she got very sick and almost passed away, ive seen my mother have seizers, foam and the mouth faint. but this was a terrifying experience, i started to be quiet so my grandma would let my mom rest i stopped eating as much so she couldnt say i was fat, but nun of this stopped the insults for my mom. eventually my mom got into a relationship in 2018 and it was good. 2020 we moved out with my step dad we moved to az. i was scared losing my closest friend, amber. but this would be a chapter of life i would never forget. we get to az i have a step brother and sister now, at first it was great but eventually it seemed like everything i did was issue but that was just home. when i started school i was so happy but no people there was horrible i was called a whore since the first year i was there, i made very close friends named ossy and ana, they got me thru everthing but ossy eventually moved schools. that same year i met a girl, she was everything to me, she was perfect to me i didnt wanna live without her. the next year of school 2021, we were still together life was okay besides the whore comments, the comments were because i always wore cropped shirts well thats what i think the reasons were they always commented on that specificlly. eventually me and the girl broke up it was the worse pain. and that year the bullying got worse as well my homelife was always yelling, my mom sleeping all day, a messy house almost disgusting.  i couldnt take it, i tried to commit, over 7+ times my arms were horrible, i went into these episodes where i was stuck in a place hearing things and i would scrach my way out. i was taken to a mental hospital, i was told i had schizo ptsd and depression. i was put on meds but the meds only helped during the nights, i had nightmares everynight, i became sleep deprived and it was little bit of my parents fault everytimes i would go to sleep they would wake me yelling i didnt clean something so i stopped sleeping it was pointless because i couldnt stay asleep eventually i just started to sleep in the concilers office at school, i also had a ED i would vomit everytime i would eat. all of this started to fade after i started to just go out, id ignore eveything and i met my other close friends. they let me stay with them till 2023 everyday after school id go home then id do my HW then id go over to there house it was great ofc school wasnt great but it was wtv long as i had them to look forward to. but we moved 2024. i was ruined. life at school was okay now the comments faded i started working on my physical apericence. but because i was working on my mental and physical so much i forgot my education and failed a grade.during the summer i went out everyday with this boy i thought was the one, oh we talked everyday, about everthing i forgot all my problems but like all relationships it was dark spots. and he couldnt take it anymore with my drama and a action i did. and he ended it. that was a breaking point i tried to kill myself once more. i tried everything to fix it but i gave up and instead of a break i got with the next guy i could that went well till he ended it cuz i didnt seem happy. then after that i started dating just to date, truthfully i became a cheater, i had friends with benifits got myself into dark places i got SA'd alot because of how i acted and gave myself off, i stopped caring. every guy always said i was beautiful but i always knew it just ment they wanted my body, thats all i was good for. i could never wash the feelings off. i had a close friend that lived next to me but most of my school friends didnt talk to me because i was behind they talked to me sometimes but because my lunches and classes were different from so,me of them it was difficult, life was and is falling apart, im disgusting, a whore, a manipulator, i started using the attenion i got from men to my advantage i used it to get what i wanted, i felt guilty because some of those guys did truly want to love me, but i didnt want to it was pointless. then nov-Dec came around i met a guy hes actually pretty okay, i thought it was gonna be another pointless talking stage. but we started talking and we got together, i felt it was ready to commit to someone again, but that one boy i thought was everything? hes still in my life and he makes me feel loved when nobody does he talks to me thru my problems, but i wanted to commit to who im with now. this guilt that i will emotionally cheat is arising. and i will not let that happen because this boy im with is so nice and kind and doesnt deserve that. so 2025 i will be leaving everything behind all my guilt, disgusting actions, maniplulation, people all behind. oh and the girl i thought was everything?? still is. i no longer romantically like her but shes one of my favorite people. so to start 2025, i will be loyal, become who i physically want to, block people. and deal with problems with words and stop being a big ass baby and fucking talk instead of being angry. i know this year wont go perfect but im gonna try this year and i genuinely hope me and this guy last cuz i love him. i just hope hes willing to communicate to and support me thru my tough times.