loneliness & the holidays

It feels the more I need people around the more the world grows quiet on me. The wedges I've placed seem far wider in dimension than I last remember them being. It feels unfair to throw these feelings out into this space, where many of you didn't sign up for this when friending me. I guess the beauty of it is that if anyone even reads this, it can be ignored. Nobody has to pretend to want to hear this or take some sense of pity on me. I just need a space to vocalize the feelings swimming in my head. 

I feel so achingly lonely when I know I shouldn't be. Whether that's due to the fact people are still around or due to it being my fault for why they're not. I miss so many and I'm not sure what ones I can get back after how I treated them. I've always been so.. arrogant, so overly paranoid, even dismissive. No wonder I am so lonely in a room of people. I let this hierarchy in my head help push them all away from me. When have I last decided to be open, to connect to anyone I haven't already established a bond with? If even them on somedays? I wish I were a better partner, person. Brother. I don't think I ever can be. I fall short of all the marks my family has placed above my head and I don't know how to manage it anymore. Existing isn't enough. But I have grown so exhausted and worn, that all I can do is lie and count the hours that pass by. I'm just getting by the days and little else. Why am I not absorbing into my studies more? If my social presence is so lacking, why am I yet to have anything else to show for in return? 

It's just been a rough Christmas week and I fear the feeling of ostracization that'll come of New Year's. I imagine, as per usual, others will be choosing to drink for it. I used to enjoy doing the same, of course. But current circumstances beg to differ. I fear I have no choice but to take a road of sobriety, however much I deeply yearn otherwise. If Mom were to have known how much I already drank, let alone the things that had happened, I fear I would be seen as a further disappointment. But alas. 

Otherwise, I hope the holidays have been lovely for you all and will continue to be. While writing this, my partner prompted a movie night tomorrow. In tandem with how comforting browsing some profiles here can be, things feel a little more alright. Seeing the small joys of others makes my heavy heart a little lighter. A reminder of the better days ahead.