Christmas -turned into rambling

I forgot Christmas was even a thing rly till I saw ppl talking about what they got, Christmas is something I vaguely remember I always got a cheap art box and maybe one thing I asked for well my siblings got lots of cool stuff, maybe I was just selfish though sometiems im scared im selfish tbh....idk ik my parents were bad and abused me alot but idk its hard for me to ever be upset or at least stay upset no matter what people do to me ive realized.....this Christmas I was alone and ofc I didn't celebrate it but I cant remember the last time I did...but tbf I have bad memory so whatever, im used to barely being able to eat(growning up when I was with my bio dad and stepmom from like- 11- was similar but my stepmom  would buy herself like fishtail like saltwater and fresh water and like horses and shed never do anything with them- shed also take my step sister out and stuff alot but id almost always be left alone when they'd all go places cuz "I was too embarrassing" idk maybe I was ig and tbf I hate myself, another time when she caught me self harming she told me if she ever caught me doing that again she'd send me back to foster care of to a mental ward because its an embaressment to her... idk i meant to stay on topic but I kept getting memories and ramblingabout it so rip- my brains always been super scattered i think its a mix of all the trauama and cuz in fostercare I was thrown over a rly high railing, you can still feel the crack in my skull and stuff, I remember the person pushing me falling the fireplace and sofa, cuz I landed on the floor infront of the couch in the main area I think (you'd go up a tall glass staircase to get your pills we'd all have to line up- I think this is also why heights especially new stairs scare me) and there was blood on the floor around me cuz i saw it pooling on the ground. Next thing i remember is being in the hospital, but i remember another memory i don't know how much it's connected but I was in a car maybe with a foster family and i touched my head and when I pulled my hand away it was covered in blood i always remember this after the stair memory so maybe its connected?)(I also remembermy stepmom gated my fear of stairs shed scream at me and tell me to grow up and get ove rit and flip out really bad cuz I was so scared of new stairs id cry and be unable to move sometimes it really sucked cux id try so many times to force myself to get over it and end up having a pnaick attack and crying cuz I was so scared))so gifts and stuff shouldn't even be a concern for me I feel selfish-