You know when you have a stroke and they lobotomize you? So, I'm feeling like this, but I was not lobotomized

Like, ye, I not lobotomized (yet) but I know that if this was like, 40 years ago I definitely would be. But I think this is the best way of describe how I am feeling right now because after 4 years of being completely sure about my gender I am having a little crise again, actually ngl but i am trying holding this crise since the years started, bc honestly was just Soo much happening at the same time that I don't fell that I even have time for my gender in firt place. 

Since 2019/2020 I know that I am a transgender man, never have a doubt about that since, but now I fell kinda lost, like, have something else and I just can't notice, I think this whole thing start happen after I start wondering what type of people I wanna be when I get older. I still thinking that is at least something male aligned since I can't even think the ideia of being a girl without sound like I am trying learn a alien language, I kinda think on maybe gender fluid, but again, my mind can't even process what be a girl should look like, thinking also about demiboy, because that would make sense of how I fell sometimes, maybe nonbinary? Not sure. Soo because that I start search more about somethings and maybe I can find myself in some xenogender, but at the same time I don't wanna like, accept that, because have all this gigantic stereotype about people with xenogender being automatically "Discord Chronic online pro shipper UWU Sempai-kun" and I definitely don't wanna be seen that way when I literally just wanna find myself, and searching I actually really like what glitchgender sound.

Something is lacking and is the first time in years that I not sure about what is, and I wanna find out what is but at the same time maybe don't need have something? Like, me just be me, but at the same time is scary don't know that. I still love be a man, and I wanna so much one day look at the mirror and see how I act fell inside, but thing thing is itching the back of my mind.