End of 2024

Hi.

So I haven't been here since.. 7th grade? Maybe 8th, it's all a blur.

  I didn't really do an intro, and I don't know if I'll even continue to use this blog (or if anyone even uses this site anymore), but maybe I should do that now.

  Hello, again, I'm Rain. I'm a sophomore in high school now. I'm glad to meet you, or if you already know me, I'm happy to see you again.

  The last you saw of me was about 2 to 3 years ago now. My first post was about how my cat, Bobby, was giving birth. At the time, she only had 1 kitten named Tango. You will happy to hear she's now up to four babies overall, all 3 years or older. Tango, the oldest and only boy kitty (he is my son, and a big ol' baby), Lily and Delta (twins, though Delta isn't in the house anymore), and Mandy. Bobby is much older now, and somehow even sassier than she was before, though much more sleepy. 

  I was sort of a dork in middle school---still kinda am. My interests have shifted and I've met new people and lost others. I've found a little more of myself and while I feel like I'm completely different from middle school me, I'm still me. I still love music, I still think I'm a bad writer. Honestly, I doubt anyone will read to this point, much less care. That said, if you're still here, caring or not, thank you. I'm not the most deep or insightful or anything else in real life---really, I mostly tell bad jokes and talk about the things I like. I don't really monologue like this, so thanks for bearing with me.

  I don't have any plans for this blog; I never really did. I saw the website on TikTok and I was like, "Hey! Cool! I can be a True Emo now!" Cringe, maybe, but in my defense I was, like, 13. It's silly in retrospect, but I don't mind who I used to be. Not as much as I did before, at least, but I guess that's what growing up is. Anyway, I only really came back here because I was scrolling through my old saved passwords for something and I saw SpaceHey, so I'm here now.

  I have a lot of relics from middle school: letters, old google docs full of songs I wrote, drawings, a lyric book I never filled, photos, everything you can think of, really. Looking back on my freshman and sophomore years of high school, I barely have half of that. Maybe I had more hope in memories in middle school, maybe I'm less of an artist than I used to be, or maybe, just maybe as a theory---maybe I stopped running from things. 

  Yeah, sounds overly deep, sure, but it makes sense to me. I, as anyone does/did, had a rough time (and overall life) in middle school. I was dumb and sorta selfish and I ran with people who--- while fun--- probably served as bad influences. My home life wasn't as great, and I really hated myself deep down. I still don't entirely like me, but I'm alright with it.

  My life is better now, I'm in a better house with better friends with a better home life, and while I'm unbelievably happy, really, sometimes I've wondered *why* I had to go through all the trials I did. I don't think I'd change too much, maybe lighten the severity, but I often question what's the point overall. Let me be clear--- I don't regret it. Not a single thing; not a single tear. I'm glad I got the opportunities to grow, I'm glad I lost the things (and people) I did; it all taught me lessons I don't think a sit-down lecture ever could, but... what would the younger version of me think about that stance?

 Well, I don't think he'd be happy with me. Most things in my life I think my old self would hate. 

 Then again, younger Rain was a lot more stubborn, a lot more immature. It's obvious, really, I was younger, so yeah I'd be sorta dumb. I'm still young and dumb now---I make mistakes all the time that older me will probably shake his head over. Hell, he might even hate this blog I'm writing now. But I hope he doesn't regret it.

 To really have you understand my way of thinking (then and now), I should probably explain a bit more rather than be vague. I won't beat around the bush here, I have a long history of mental illness. Big bomb to drop so causally, I know, and I shouldn't expose my brain so freely in the internet--- but I'm not someone who really likes lying. I spent my entire early life as an outcast--- no one liked me and I could never seem to get it right. I was bullied and at times not even my own parents could understand me. My extended family all have severe mental illness as well, so I guess I was just predestined to be a little shaken up in the head, haha. But anyway, in middle school it was especially bad mentally, though by this time I had actually gotten friends and wasn't bullied as hard (unlike elementary, though I feel like elementary is hard for a lot of little weird people like me.) I didn't feel like a person who really belonged here, I felt like I didn't really belong anywhere I went---though I found a place that was close enough for a bit. I did a lot of the things mentally ill kids do and I hurt myself a lot, both physically and emotionally. It was a response to all the hatred that I had built up for myself over the years. 

  I found a place for myself with all the other mentally ill queer kids, so we all sorta bounced off of each other. I'm still friends with some of the people I met, (they'll never see this, but they know who they are. I love you,) and others I'm glad I lost. That mentality right there is what little me would've hated most--- being glad to lose someone who I once would've done anything for. One of the people I lost, well, it wasn't as clean as, "I don't like who you are anymore, goodbye."

 You know the quote, "everything I've ever let go has claw marks on it"? That quote has more weight in my life than it maybe should, especially when I first heard it in middle school while I was slowly (quickly) losing my then-best friend. I didn't want to let go--- everything in life has it's place, right? I thought my place was next to him. Selfish, thinking back, but I couldn't stand the thought that the way I saw life might've been wrong. That it might've been self-centered. I hated myself, so how could I be self-centered? My thought process back then was very flawed, as you've probably quickly realized.

 I hurt myself with that mindset, and worse, I hurt those I loved. But that's life, I guess. You hurt people, you lose some, and you make it up to those that've stayed and those who came along after. Young Rain would've never accepted that some people he loved more than life didn't belong long-term--- only for a short time. It worked when it did, and then I made mistakes, they made mistakes, and life sorts it out, whether we like it or not. Some things are out of our control; no amount of bargaining and praying and self-sacrifice will ever change that. I think it's sort of human nature to resist that, though. Humans like control, it's safe, it's predictable. Nothing will hurt you when everything's in control, right? 

 Well, obviously, it's not that simple. It never was. It's human to forget that we're just animals that evolved a really good brain--- we forget we'll never be fully in control. We're a part of the universe, we can't be bigger than it.

  That's the hardest lesson I had to learn--- I'm a passenger on this Earth, and I have to get through the things it'll throw at me and adapt, and if I don't, I'll do damage in the long-term. I don't think your fate is entirely set in stone, but I think of fate as overarching themes you have to get through. You can choose your adventure, sure, but you're still going on an adventure, sorry.

 But anyway, I feel like I've sorta gone on a tangent, so let me try (heavy on the try) to wrap this up.

  I'm Rain, I'm a sophomore in high school, and I think the most important lesson life will give you is that you *will* change , and that's okay, though maybe a bit threatening if you don't feel ready. Then again, you still have to. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard was that if you wait until you're ready or for the perfect moment, then you might never do anything, so go and do things you aren't sure about. You'll regret a lot of things, but it's better than to regret doing nothing at all. You'll figure it out eventually, I believe in you. Thank you for reading this little rant of mine, really. I love people like you.

Thank you again, and goodbye. If we never cross paths again, I hope you've at least had a nice time reading this.

I hope I regret writing it, and I hope future me doesn't.