life update (no-one cares)

life has honestly been so chaotic lately that i dont even know how to start. (well, yea, i know but i wanna add a little bit of drama to all of this yk??)

first, i started going to therapy (FINALLY!') which has been an amazing progress to my mental health. i cant nd wont say that my life has been great since then because... well, its not magic. i still have my doubts, my fears, my insecurities– you know, the type of shit that messes you up; but at least i get to understand why. why i feel that way, why i think the way i do, why i hate myself this much. i said out loud nd to another person that i wanna love myself !!! that felt so... surreal. it felt like it wasnt ment to be said, like it was a joke. i've always told myself that i hated my guts but deep down i just want to love myself, respect myself. i want to say "damn i love this person" while looking at the mirror. instead i wanted to puke nd scream "you fucking piece of shit". sad, isn't it??

anyways... thats that. second, i've started going out more. well, not more but i started going out. for my birthday (btw in 23 years old now thats a bummer u__u) i had a little trip with my family. that made me so happy nd for a bit i didnt felt so insecure even tho there was sO MANY PEOPLE. i honestly felt a little bit confortable in my own skin.... which didnt last long because at the christmas photos i saw myself and welp you can imagine what happened. 

i never truly felt loved. not by friends nor a lover. i have never felt romantic love, a romantic touch, a hug drenched in passion and a necessity for me. i have never felt like i was important to someone, like they needed me. never. sometimes i even ask myself if it would make a difference if i dissappear from people's life's. im always in automatic. im always waiting to see if someone wants to reach out, if they want to learn more about myself, if they actually care if i'm there or not. im always the one who's interested in the other person, im always the one who sends a fucking meme to show that im still there. but why no-one does that for me?

i dont know honestly. i understand there's people out there who appreciate me, but i dont feel it. i can't see it. isn't it important that im the one who can? if they want to show me they love me, shouldnt they at least try to show it in a way i can see it? maybe im too greedy, too needy. maybe i'm too much. but i just wanna be loved besides all that. i wanna actually believe that i'm not that bad. 

i always overthink, im always afraid people are bored of me. that they just wanna get rid of me. 

that has to be really cruel of me.

anyways, this was an updste (sort of) so, third: nothing really. it's been a fucking ride, ups and downs, goods and bads. at the end of the day i just want fucking peace.