Log 3: Thoughts about SpaceHey and this blog (feat. other segues as usual)

> Currently reading through latest blogs like it's the morning newspaper.

SpaceHey is okay so far. I enjoy the amount of customization you could do and the lack of ads.

The algorithm being nonexistent is okay-ish. You have to dig around if you want to see the content you actually want to see.

Considering having a tumblr version of the concept of this blog just to compare the two. We shall see. Will update as I go.

> A bad person.

Yesterday, the feeling of being a bad person deep down kind of sprung out of nowhere. Like, all of my transgressions no matter how long it's been still haunt me. I remember them all. Those were all me. I consciously made those decisions and had those thoughts. Those were all me. 

Trying to convince myself that I've changed and no person is perfect/static/one dimensional, though.

> I might have some conditions that are undiagnosed.

Thinking about how I might be undiagnosed for certain stuff. I know I have depression, but I feel like there are other things going on up there that haven't been addressed.

Like, retreating into my head and not being fully present unless it's necessary 90% of the time. I can't be fully present for a long period because I end up being too tired the longer I do have to consciously exist.

There's also the forgetfulness and clumsiness. Details slip out of my mind extremely easily. As for the clumsiness, I tend to bump into things often and get bruises- those of which I can't remember any of the sources.

I do wonder if those are moreso character flaws, though.

What else...I've been told the way I speak is robotic. Is that anything? Flat. Monotone. Sometimes the volume is too loud or I speak too fast and I don't realize it unless it's pointed out.

I was suspecting C-PTSD, but when I explained it to a counselor she said it might not be the case. Plus, I guess the shit I went through wasn't really enough to fuck me up enough for a condition that severe. At least, I hope not. I'll trust her word but I'm open to other opinions. Though I'd probably take it all with a grain of salt considering the counselor is the one who is most qualified to tell me about this at the moment.

Looked into ADHD or Autism too. Not sure if either of those fit either. Oh well.

Before you comment on my self-diagnosing, I also take my self-diagnosing with a grain of salt and I plan on discussing it with a professional (once I get the means to) if it's actually the case.