gender

i've never felt here nor there. neither boy nor girl.

gender is a spectrum yeah, but what are you to do when you are all and nothing at the same time? sometimes i wish i was a bug or a tree, something genderless. so i wouldn't have to carefully present myself the way i wished to be seen which i often didn't know myself. but i remember that right before the pandemic i truly felt aligned with my gender. i liked being a girl. i still do. but back then, being a girl was swimming in the pool with my friends and going for long walks in the sun to dry my hair. but society's idea of what it is to be a woman or a girl is so weird. it feels like girls have to grow up so fast. "girls mature faster" do they? or is that what men say to justify themselves when they look at a prepubescent girl's chest or hit on a girl who probably doesn't even know what trigonometry is. girls just develop very quick. she was probably showing off.

and i guess after so much of these ideas, i felt like i didn't quite identify with what was being forced on me. on the other hand, "boys will be boys". they swim in the pool with their friends and walk in the sun to dry themselves. they don't bleed every month and they're not sensitive or dumb, unless you ask a grown man to take care of his child, then he has no idea what a diaper is. i said i was comfortable being a girl before the pandemic. this is not to say the internet liberals turned me gay. this is not to say the alt kids transed my gender.

i hit puberty. i hit puberty and i was weirdly sexualized? i was on my way to becoming a woman? they added new patches to fix bugs that were never there. they just added more glitches like how im stuck in the closet now! stupid gender expansion pack. and it's expensive (can't even afford to change my pads thrice in this economy). now i came to the conclusion during a discussion with a friend, a girl and a woman are very different things. no shit.

but not in that sort of way (referring to age and maturity), they just have different features that define them. at least thats how i see it. so the way i see it, i can be a girl and grow into a man. i didn't want to be a boy as a kid, although i dont think i would mind, i was pretty much genderless and i had crushes on girls without any stigma. but i don't want to be a woman either in the same way. i don't know if i just don't see myself as how society portrays women or i just have an idea in my head that doesn't quite go with other people's experiences as a woman. i dont fucking know. but if boys can grow up to be men and girls can grow up to be women, then boys can grow up into women and girls can grow up into men too.

gender is fake, pronouns aren't real. they only take the meaning we give them. i don't know what point im trying to make here. when i was 13 i thought i wouldnt make it past give or take 20. but i will. just to fuck around and experiment and find out