I suppose this is how I would describe myself.

𝐌𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭.

Autistic (Asperger's). To begin, I do not consider myself a person with superior abilities, but when people refer to me, I feel they believe I am capable of taking man to Mars. I’m not joking, I’ve been told I have a brilliant mind, but for some reason, I cannot believe that. I have big dreams, such as becoming part of the U.S. military aviation, specifically in the operation and development of warplanes like the B-2 Spirit. (In case you need to know, I am a citizen.) I also have an interest in physics and chemistry, and I excel in them. Sometimes I think physics understands me better than other people.

Almost always, if not my entire life, I have isolated myself from others, as their comments often hurt me deeply. They say very harsh things that wound my feelings; perhaps they are bothered by who I am.

I tend to be a serious person, I admit it, and when I engage in debates, I often speak as though I am a dictionary, but I cannot avoid it. It may seem unethical to many, but what can I do? I am trying to understand myself, and little by little, I will succeed. I can’t fully grasp the events happening around me, and I cannot understand anything about the world today—the new rules, laws, ways of life.

I feel stuck in the 20th century, without an exit. What is happening to me? I don't know. I must plan everything; I can’t live just to live. Everything must go exactly as I have planned.

Furthermore, I find history, especially related to World War II, to be a source of knowledge and reflection that connects with my passion for understanding how the past shapes the present. This historical fascination complements my love for philosophy books, which help me analyze the world from different perspectives, although most of the time, I tend to think that the world is beyond repair.

My personality is somewhat unusual. I tend to be an extremist when it comes to symmetry and perfection. I believe I have some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I enjoy playing chess, but I do not see it as something fun; I see it as something challenging. I wish I could be like Bobby Fischer—the man was truly brilliant. Many times, I punish myself for not being like him, which is difficult for me because I am a different person from him. I realize I want to be like many people.

Every time I make a mistake, it’s hard for me. I think that because of that error, my world will fall apart. The guilt from my mistakes haunts me day and night. What I am about to say may seem out of place, but whenever this happens, I hear a voice in my head replaying the exact moment I failed, for the rest of the night. I can't sleep; I can't find a way to stop it. The hours pass, and I am alone in the darkness of the night, hearing each word. I need help; I am sick.

Knowing about me, the things I have been through, is almost exclusive. I just want the people on the internet to understand me. It would take an entire book to express my feelings fully—they are so complex.

All I think about is getting rid of everyone in this world, everyone who harms me.

I don’t want to feel out of place again. I don’t want to feel alone and rejected again, but I also don’t want attention. I don’t want to be looked at.

Loneliness is a double-edged sword from which I cannot escape.