the deal with relationships for me

i hope everyone who talks abt relationships and dating like its just a normal thing, knows how privileged that is.

if anyone knows how isolation, emotional neglect, social alienation and learned helplessness and all that feels like, you know how hard it can be to reach out to people and feel like you connect with anyone. its so easy to feel like you are just not human. disconnected with all of humanity. to feel so alone, so isolated, so stuck in your apartment that you cant ever see just.. anyone finding you in your hole... i mean... how even... if all you do is just sit inside and thats all thats available right now... /rhetorical

so im a 26yo european loser who feels like he missed out. who never had relationships in school either. who just wishes for anyone to love him. the last time *i* had a date, i landed in the hospital and nearly bled out on the operating table and had to be given blood conserves.

so im gonna die alone. im never gonna have a loving, romantic relationship with someone who truly gets me or who likes me for who i am. if i was religious id be praying 24/7. im just that desperate. because im so isolated and alone that now during christmas time i just... feel so alone... and every reminder of other people online only makes my suicidal thoughts worse...

i feel like a human failure for failing on the most basic human needs...