about my situation

i do have friends. ofc. but they have other friends and partners they care for more. im only a back up friend at this point. and ive learned to accept that maybe im truly just one of those people who barely step out of their house to see other people. im so pathetic. im trying so hard to be popular and liked. i know so many people but they arent my friends. even if they were i would still be alone. deep inside im actually a really lonely perso, but it doesnt feel like it since im always the one who plans the plans and gathers everyone together. i have many acquaintances, but only 1-3 people i talk to, and if i didnt talk first, the silence would be so loud. im ALWAYS the one who loves more and im convinced it wont change. i want to help others and lift them up when they feel down, i want to save people from sadness but no one TRULY wants my presence. i have 1 best friend and i would do anything for her, like anything. but she recently found a partner and now im really damn convinced she would do the same even without me. i am not needed. im someone who NEEDS others reassurance, care and attention. and theres no one for me when i need someone. no one reaches out to me. no one enjoys my company. im ignored everywhere i go. and it wont change.

if others REALLY wanted to see me, they wouldve reached out, but they havent, and they wont. i must accept the fact that maybe i just am a really unlovable loser. 

but deep down. i dont want to accept that. i dont want to become an outcast. i dont want to be withdrawn. i want to make others happy. i want to be social. i want to make lots of memories. i want to save everyone. i want to make others feel like they arent hard to love. i want others to feel safe. i want to dry everyones eyes.

i just dont understand. what have i done to become this lonely? ive always been kind to everyone. 

i hope i begin to matter.

27.12.2024