my week

i deleted instagram on the 19th or 20th of december.

something about not knowing what's going on and not having to respond to groups or people you barely know feels really great. i thought about the future. it would be really fun if i got an old tv, a dvd player and just lived off of dvds. who needs spotify when you can download songs off youtube and burn them on your cd? hell, i could just listen to the birds outside or the wind rustling the leaves. i could read books i got secondhand from a homeless guy outside the local theater, which i have done. i could wear the clothes that are too big for my aunt and i can pass them down to my sister if they're too big for me. yeah im singlehandedly boycotting amazon, i like buying things from stores anyway, i hate doing stuff online. (except going to the bank. fuck that) i think i could live like that.

i had a very nice apple a few minutes ago. i have been forming original thoughts recently, now that i can't just see something on my fyp and proclaim it my manifesto. i think the thing about childhood is that the world was much smaller and mysterious and i was curious. i'd like to cultivate that once again in my life. i have started playing flash games again and listening to old music that i used to like. massive attack, biosphere, various japanese rock artists and the duck life: evolution soundtrack (london's my favorite). my childhood felt like a particularly rainy day when you're sick and your dad just made soup for you. im trying to slow my life down too. i sit with my cats at night and watch the stars. i particularly like looking at betelgeuse, alpha of the orion constellation, as it is my mom's favorite star.

i like my friends, don't get me wrong, i miss them. however it feels like i should take some time and learn how to respect myself and my boundaries before expecting that from other people. i didn't necessarily love being a child, i just love the feeling of it. i was an insecure child. i had a hard time keeping my friends because i thought they all hated me. i didnt think i deserved to be loved. i think im just trying to be who i wished i was as a child, who i needed. i like the feeling of being a child because that means you're curious and loving and openminded. i watched karate kid and i thought jaden was a girl who liked another girl. i didn't think it was weird at all. i watched marnie and i thought she was in love with anna. not weird at all. all forms of hate are taught, just like self hatred. i think that's why i hold onto my childhood. but it's ok to let go, cause you can still live that way.

im just figuring out how