love.... sigh

it feels like everyone around me is finding love so effortlessly—whether it’s online or in real life. even if their relationships don’t last, they still get to feel that spark, that connection, even if it’s fleeting. they get to experience the highs and lows, the excitement of being chosen by someone. meanwhile, i’ve been waiting and waiting for the right person, but it feels like they’re never coming.

whenever someone has a crush on me, i convince myself it’s not real. i tell myself they don’t actually like me—that they’re just desperate to be in a relationship, and i just happen to be there. it’s easier to believe that than to risk opening up and finding out i was right. i make myself think it’s all in my head, that i’m not the person they really want.

and then when i like someone, it’s even worse. i overthink every little detail, every word, every moment. i want to say something, to do something, but i can’t. the fear of rejection, the fear of looking stupid, the fear of ruining things—it all paralyzes me. so i stay quiet, hold it all in, and watch as the moment slips away.

it’s frustrating, watching the people around me move forward while i feel stuck. i wonder if i’m the problem. am i too scared to let someone in? am i waiting for something that doesn’t exist? or maybe, deep down, i’m just scared of what might happen if someone actually sees me for who i am.