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hai this is my first post evr >.< this is a bit of a rant so bear with me if u read the whole thingΒ
every time I get into a new talking stage? with a guy I lose my mind. Context I have BPD so usually any kind of relationship I start to spiral. Even with friends, I have the mindset of being the one they choose over anyone. Recently, like 3 weeks now, I've been talking to this guy and he's actually pretty sweet. But all of our conversations end up with him just talking about himself the whole time. Sometimes I feel as though he just sees me as a baddie he was able to get with? idk but this basically happens with every guy I start anything with. Like they see me as a prize or some other kind of shiny object. Context again: my ex would always say I'm way out of his league and make me feel bad for existing :( ANYWAYS new dude has left me very conflicted. I like being around him and I like hearing about all his interests, but it doesn't feel like its mutual. Any time he asks ME a question; I won't even finish my response and he's back to talking about his own experiences. I'm realizing now that I may just like the idea of him. idk why I'm like this. I just want to experience a real and true love with someone. This may never happen tho with the way that I am. Really just want to know if anyone on here with BPD has dealt with this and how you were able to get past it? I get so sucked in to the idea of what could be and then end up in situations that leave me worse than ever. idk if I really like him or what he offers me. sorry if this whole thing is me repeating myself very #geeked rn but if you also have a similar experience pls lmk how you were able to get past it? or even tips on how to heal would b appreciated. If you read through this pls lmk what to do.. I want to change.
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Ellen's Playground β
Omfg??? We all out here living the same lives fr
I was literally going through the exact same thing a couple months ago and I ALSO ghosted him like you LOLOLOL but that was also because he was cheating. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but I have a plethora of mental issues and attachment issues that mirror the symptoms of BPD and I also have a sister with BPD so I'm pretty familiar with it. Idk if it's the same for you but I recently discovered that I have fearful-avoidant attachment which I personally think has similar symptoms as BPD. For example, I get attached and almost obsessive but the second I get the ick or they do something "wrong" I ghost them 
this was just all from personal experience so what works for me may not work for you 
but like, srsly, I wish you the best <3 may all of us find love
What I've learned is that you really do need to see people for what they are and not what the relationship could be. How? Well, what has helped me is that I now I look at the facts. I used to idealize people until I learned of the term "limerance" which is a "a mental state of profound romantic infatuation". When I'm dating someone, I always do a mental checkpoint and ask myself, "Would my future husband do this?" and based on what I read from your post, it seems like the guy you were with was talking AT you and not talking WITH you. Not husband material imo. So it was honestly a good thing that nothing came out of fruition from that because remember, it has only been 3 weeks and if you're already feeling conflicted then trust your intuition and leave. I was a serial-dater and what I've learned is that people tend to show you their best-self in the beginning stage and if there are already issues in the beginning, it's a goodbye for me no matter how "nice" they are because OFC they're gonna be nice they're trying to lock you in! It's only a matter of time before their mask slips. I think you were valid in feeling hesitant and rightfully so.
Now, if there is a guy that you really do like/trust and things are getting serious, you need to give them the benefit of the doubt if there is anything that they do that triggers/upsets you. The thing with BPD, i feel like, is that relationships manifests old wounds and hurts that would not have shown if you were alone/single. You gotta communicate this to them and so long as they are a HEALTHY partner, you guys can work things out together. You don't need to hold them responsible for healing your wounds for you because that is something you must do alone. Your partner just needs to understand that when they chose you, they are also choosing your past so they need to be understanding about your situation. Although they aren't responsible for healing you, they are responsible in supporting you throughout your healing journey.
Everyone talks about "self-healing" but self-healing is difficult when there is no one to trigger you which is why I have been a serial-dater in order to understand myself better and to pinpoint my issues and to learn to work through them alone by breaking down my intense emotions like "i'm feeling *blank* right now because he is not responding (for example). I am feeling this way because *blank* has happened to me in the past. If I did the same thing to him, how would I want him to reasonably react?". In this aspect, I've been mastering detachment even tho it sucks that things gotta be this way. Some people are there to reveal your wounds so that you can heal but not to be in a long-term relationship with them.
In the beginning stages, let people be who they want to be, then DECIDE if you want them in your life. Some people are only meant to help you grow, not be in your life forever. Focus only on what you can control, I can't stress this point enough. You can't control emotions but you can control your reactions. I first feel my intense emotions alone before I do something I regret and once I have calmed down, I then communicate to the person about how they made me feel etc. What has helped me when I'm going down a spiral is remembering who I am as a person when I was single. I'm like, "oh yea, I have a life outside of this person" and then I immerse myself in my hobbies or talk with friends.
I honestly dunno if I gave you good advice, but I really hope this helps you out
A book that has helped me out is "How to Not Die Alone" by Logan Ury. You can get a free pdf/ebook of it on oceanofpdf.com
Lyss |-/
I haven't been diagnosed, but I have suspected for quite a few years that I also have BPD. Relationships and friendships can be quite hard to maintain, so I get what you mean (especially getting too attached to someone). I have also felt the same when it comes to just liking the idea of someone. It is important to figure out what it is you are looking for in a partner, and to not settle for someone you are not truly happy with. If you have discovered you don't actually like him, it is probably best to distance yourself now. If you don't, it would most likely lead to more problems in the future. Also, by the way you describe him, he may not be a good fit for you anyway. I have dealt with people like that too and it is very frustrating. You deserve someone who listens to you and cares for you too. As for healing, it has taken me a while and I am still actively in the process of bettering myself. I have a tendency to look way too into things and drive myself nuts over things that aren't even true. I especially struggled with constantly worrying about if someone was upset with me. I'm not sure if you struggle with this too, but what helped me is to basically think "if it's not outright said, then it is not for me to worry about". This stops me from overthinking others peoples actions and words. Worrying about those things is good for nobody, if someone is upset with me and won't tell me, then it is out of my control and there is no reason for me to overthink the situation. Regardless of what happens between you and him though, I promise you will eventually find who is right for you. BPD doesn't define you, but I know sometimes it feels like it does. Just remember that you are loveable and you are worthy!!!! Take care of yourself, you got this!
Firstly, thank u for the comment ^_^
after posting this I ghosted him, but I doubt he'll try and contact me again. overthinking and ruminating is something I do ALOT so I will definitely try to keep that in mind :3 My diagnosis is still pretty recent so it's hard to not define myself on it. I have a lot of healing and inner work to do, but I really appreciate ur response and hope you're able to get diagnosed too! Take care as well thank u again >.<
by angelindistress; ; Report
No problem, good luck on your healing journey, I believe in you!!! (οΌΰΉΛβ‘Λ)
by Lyss |-/; ; Report