End of year review / What HRT means to me / We're all gonna die!

I don't think there's anything divine about transgender identity. Nothing divine about almost shitting myself at 10 o' clock at night doing my injection for the first time.

Who I was before this seems so far away now. Not in a dissociative sense (or maybe in a dissociative sense, that's the thing about dissociation, isn't it?) but in a way that moving time is less of a concept and more of a transient, subliminal, semi-permeable state. Every second of every moment I'm crossing unnobtainable thresholds that change me. Every thought I have drags me further along and every second spent living changes me. There's not a singular point in my life where I have ever remained static or still but when looking back on so many years ago and reading my thoughts from that time, I just marvel at how... remarkably still I was. Not moving. Same schedule, same cycle. Everyday. Relentless. No change. I was going nowhere 2 years ago. I was going nowhere 3 years ago. I was going nowhere 5 years ago. I was going nowhere 6 years ago, 7 years ago, 8 years ago. 9 years ago I was across the country, tossing and turning in a bed I don't have anymore - thinking of people I don't talk to anymore, resenting and mourning parents that I do still have, but have inexplicably changed. Changed like I have. Yet remained the same. Like I have. Died and ressurected, like I have. Who I am now is beyond any of that, when people ask me my backstory I don't think of anything to say. If people ask for my history I'm going to give them my family tree and hope that suffices. I am part of a bigger picture, here. Don't look at me. There's nothing to see -- check for yourself.

HRT came to me after having learnt that those who take feminising hormones could buy the stuff online. I remembered men pumped steroids in the gym. I realised I could do that, just without all the nonsensical other things. I thought 'I want that' and so I did. It took a long time and a lot of research, but I did it. And now here I am and I don't feel any different.

Well, that's a lie. I feel very different and I am very different. The bodily changes are amazing. I don't think there's been a single effect I don't like. Nothing. As for mood, it's stabilised me. I realise now that I used to be so... upset, before. My days have become more in tune. Less of the violent flip-flop that became my norm. I look back on one night crying my eyes out and considering the worst and then the next day laughing at lunch with friends, it's disgusting. My sexuality hasn't changed a lick except for the increased s drive. I'm happier. An out of world concept. But this is the happiest point in my life ever, I think. The funniest thing ever is that I look back on selfies I took before T and in them, I thought I looked so good. Now I look at them, having grown a little facial hair and my face slightly masculinised, disgusted. I look so feminine. How could I ever think I looked attractive in those?

Ah, the power of having narcisstic traits, I suppose. Now I think I look like Adonis. A reasonable trade off.

I don't know if HRT saved my life. I was slowly piecing the thing together by myself any ways... but it definitely did something. I think I'll only know this impact when I inevitably lose it. Or when someone close to me loses it. I hope that day doesn't come.

I don't have much else to say. I'd like to say HRT means the world to me and I know it does. I think I would have given up much earlier if HRT didn't ever exist. But for now, I'm comfortable. The weeks roll by and I don't get better at doing my injection but I'm happy.

College is going to be a ride. I have things planned in the future with friends and all I can think of is how in the photos commemorating the events, I'll look how I want to. I'll actually look like... me. I've never recognised myself in my reflection and It hasn't changed now, but it's a little bit easier to see me in it. I have a lot of work to do still, it isn't over. I'm so glad it isn't over.

I have things in the future. Things I'm actually looking for. For the first time in my life I'm excited for the upcoming year. Oh my god.

Thank you, infinity. Thank you, universe.