i hate school i hate it so much

my dads says i can get a trip to japan if i get my grades up this year, i want it so so badd but even though im trying as hard as possible im still failing. each time he bring it up hes all “i really want you to go to japan” like mother fucker i do too😂🙏 i cant do this😂🙏🙏 im visiting family now for christmas and theyr all talking about trips theyr going on. my dads gonna take ANOTHER trip to france despite have “no money” and my sisters going to some fucking place idk where and i cant even join the conversation without my dad getting mad i wont do my school work. what if i bash my head into the wall😂 what if i claw my stomach open and rip out my insides😂😂