The Cycle of Endless Chaos and Change

I’ve realized that I created my own cycle of pain. When things ended, it was the most confusing and painful thing I’d ever been through. As I’ve had time to process and mourn the relationship, I’ve come to understand that I wanted to be with this person so badly that I wore myself out trying to fix things. I see now that I should’ve taken a step back too. I was emotionally overwhelmed and doing the best I could with the understanding I had, but I couldn’t see things clearly at the time.

There are so many reasons why it didn’t work out. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be from the start. Maybe we moved too fast. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. Or maybe it was all their fault—or all mine. Honestly, it’s probably a mix of everything. But what do you really gain from thinking that way about someone? That’s something I’ve come to realize.

Yes, it didn’t work out, but I’ve learned to appreciate the experience for what it was. It gave me more perspective about myself—about my flaws, my strengths, and the things I need to work on. It showed me that I have room to grow, that I can take what I’ve learned and become better. It also taught me to accept that they had flaws too, and to love and appreciate them for who they were, even if things didn’t last.

I value the lesson they showed me, because now I can focus on working on myself and being true to who I am. And I know that there is someone out there who will truly deserve my love—someone who will see it, appreciate it, and return it. This experience didn’t end how I wanted, but it helped me grow into the person I’m becoming, and for that, I’m grateful.

Yes, I had my flaws. So did they. But that doesn’t erase everything we shared. They cared about me in the moments I cared about them. We both went through heartbreak, stayed up with those endless, spiraling thoughts, and held onto memories—both the ones we miss and the ones we regret. Of course, we got angry at each other. Of course, we missed each other.

Sometimes things don’t make sense, and sometimes they do, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get the closure you want. And even when I catch myself wondering if it was all real—of course it was real. Just because I might question if it was real for them doesn’t mean it wasn’t real for me. My feelings, my love, my experience—it all mattered. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that it was real, even if it didn’t last.

Relationships can be complicating. Maybe one day they’ll reflect, grow, and reach out—or maybe they won’t. Either way, that’s okay. Love shouldn’t feel forced. It should come from a place of wanting, not needing. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to love you; they should love you for who you are, not who they wish you were. And that’s what I’m holding onto now: love is a choice. And that choice is just as important as the love itself.