tw eating disorders

i just feel i need to get this off my chest and i can’t write it in my diary bc my hand would hurt

i’m like normal size 150 but i feel absolutely huge, no matter what weight i loose. i hate wearing clothes especially my school uniform because i feel too big and like i’m being squished into them. i did used to be 160 but i lost 30 pounds but i’ve basically just gained it all back to be honest. i hated loosing the weight, it was hard and annoying not eating. but the results where amazing, i could actually see my collarbones. but i know people say it’s the easiest bone to start seeing. 

i love looking at pictures of myself being “skinny”, although i wasn’t even small only 136 i looked amazing. now i look ugly and fat. i’m not ugly on top, my face is beautiful it’s just my body. i can’t believe i never appreciated how i looked then, i thought i was just fat and needed to be smaller. i was amazing and perfect.

my friends are smaller than me, beautifully skinny and slim. but they all have eating disorders. sometimes i long for one just so i can look as skinny and healthy as them. the fact is they don’t even look healthy, just that sickly look is so cute i guess? i wish i could just rip my skin off and turn into them.

 i think i might just stop eating to get thin, it will absolutely fuck my metabolism and will probably gain it all back. i think i’ll come off my birth control aswel it made me gain so much weight, i was so small before.

 i’m pretty sure i have an eating disorder all i think about is food, when i’m going to eat, what i’m eating, how much of it, esc. i struggle pretty badly with body dismorpha and stuff but i don’t know. 

i just want people to look at me and go, oh my god she’s thin. that’s it . i want to lock myself away and get skinny.

do people relate to this? or is this just me ? or is this because i’ve had a christmas dinner and feel horrible that i’ve probably consumed 5000+ calories.