The Crushing Yet Necessary Realization that Things Don't Have to Get Better.

Preface:

This might be kind of depressing, but also it's uplifting in a way too. I'm doing okay by the way. 

I lost a lot of myself, even all of myself about a year and a half ago.

I'm a senior in high school now, I just turned 18 and I'm looking to move out of my parents house because it kind of sucks, but I have hope, and I think I can do it. I already have college lined up, so I'm really just worried about my next 6 months and where and how I'll live. After that it's all scholarships and student loans. 

Back to losing myself. I used to be a hope filled kid, going to school at an okay place coming right out of quarantine. I used to be kind of dickish and mean and dumb beforehand, but I was set on self improvement. That fact alone, being set on self improvement, is what made me who my favorite version of myself is. Things were pretty great. 

Then came next year, then I moved schools and I was worried about different things --- making friends, doing well in my first AP, etc.. It was also really good. I had stopped worrying about self improvement. I thought that because things were so bad, now it was only up. However, in reality it was only up because I set myself up to go only up (I should shut up), and now having not worried about self improvement, I floundered instead of flourished. (my writing is kinda sick I should write a book) (I should also stop sucking my own dick :P) (:>).

So come junior year, it all crashes. Things go poorly. That's not the important part. I lost myself completely. I realized that things don't have to get better, I'm not owed an "up" because I went through bad shit. I only got it because I worked for it, and I stopped working for it. This realization made me stop working for it even more. How stupid I was. An entire year wasted. I'm over it now, but it hurt a lot. Things got bad, then it snowballed into worse and worse. 

And then senior year happened and I decided to say "fuck you ya sonuvabitch!!1" to all of that (actually like only some of it) and I started to work again.

1) Socially I had been utterly screwed. I'm naturally and introvert, but I love interacting with people (it just takes a lot of energy). I lost my personality completely and any social skills I had, and I'm still looking for and working on all of that (god it sucks btw, not being able to be a normal person). 

2) I'd begin winning, straight dubs. I'm lying, it has been a mix of wins and losses.

Losses:

Romantically: Holy shit I can't get lucky romantically. First it was a girl and we were into each other but she wanted to move too fast and I wasn't sure of myself and it fazed out and she got another person. I don't regret this, I learned a lot and it set me on the path I'm on today. Then second it was another girl who was "obviously interested in me" (ig not) and led me on like hell but its okay I dealt with that just fine and I asked a girl for her number for the first time. Then third someone who I didn't like was into me (kill me) and that sucked the most. And now it's not going well because a time zone shift decided to make me depressed for a week and god I just want her to either do something or not be interested in me anymore because how do I get out of this. 

Family: muy mal

College: not going to a big college, all the work i've done is wasted but whatev

Wins:

Friends!!!: Cool ones, some of em actually care about me. I've also realized a lot of em don't, but that's okay, I just have to learn to let my hate out somehow. 

Debate!!!: I'm done with it now, but I went to UC Berkeley and did real well at a varsity debate tournament (40th in the fuckin country for a sec baby)

Drama!!!: Best drama production at the school in years, and I did great for my first role ever. Shakespeare got nothing on me hoe! It's crazy a high school drama program was able to make people constantly and consistently laugh at Shakespeare. huge W.

Moving out???: this would be the largest win of my life. I can start peaking instead of doing the opposite without my bitchass dad making me into a bitchass dickwad. 

But back to the original message of this blog.

The realization that things don't have to get better hit me, and killed me for a year. In a lot of ways, things haven't gotten better and probably won't. But everything I've worked on, has in some way gotten better. That's the real message. Things aren't guaranteed, but if you work at it the chances you have of doing fine increase. and its worth it, even if it doesn't, because at least then you can blame the world and not yourself.

btw if anyone knows how to become immortal tell me por favor I want to live forever.