Happy Birthday.. [Dec. 23rd.]

Happy Birthday, Delilah. You would have been three today. Instead you're with the stars. Can you see me from up there? It's funny how our birthdays are only a month apart, yeah? 

 I miss you..

To think I first started rejecting you when we brought you home. I swore to never let any other dog into my life, out of fear they would get lost just like the previous. But when I let you into my heart, everything changed. I was planning s*icide, Delilah. In fourth grade. But you saved me. I didn't want to leave you, you were only a puppy. 5 months.

 As we grew older together, I felt closer and closer to you than anyone I ever knew. You listened to me about my problems, you listened to me cry. You knew what was going on, and you helped. so much. Remember earlier this year in June? It was 2am, and I stood up with a flower lei. I had tied it around the nail in my wall and put it around my neck. I was hovering over you, about to allow my legs to give up. But you looked up at me, unsure of what was going on. Or did you know? I feel like you did. Because you made me stop. The look in your eyes, I couldn't do it. The thought of leaving you and all my other friends that I've grown attatched to. The thought of leaving Ita..

You were my best friend, Delilah. My biggest reason for living. Every time I thought about death, It kept circling back to you. Scratching at the door and whining, waiting for me to come back. Wondering where I went and when I'd come back. I remember you'd hate it when we went to the store, you thought it was the end of the world.

But now, it sure does feel like it. When you started puking that night, I knew something was wrong. You would never puke when I gave you pizza crusts. You loved them. But ma insisted you were fine, and she waited too long to take you to the doctors. On the way there, I held you as much as I could. I let all the puke and fluids to get on me, cause I didn't care. You were always there for me when I was sick, so I wanted to be there for you. When we got there, I couldn't stop crying. The way you stood as still as possible to prevent any pain. It broke my heart. I started crying when they said you needed an abdominal exploratory surgery immediatley. What if that was the last time I'd see you..? It wasn't, but I knew the result from the start. You wouldn't make it. But I tried to keep a sliver of hope up for you, baby. Because I knew you were trying. Trying your best to fight for us. 

I cried when I saw you again, you were getting better. I was so proud, I knew you would get better! 

but you wouldn't eat any food..you kept puking...what was wrong?

We kept visiting, I wouldn't give up on my best friend. 

After my orchestra concert on the fourth of october, we were gonna take a drive out to your hospital. It had already been a week you'd been over there. When we got there, you were so weak..You only lifted your head when I got out of your sight. We got you a toy! You didn't even touch it though, no matter all the squeaks. Ma and Father were called out of the room, and they came back in with teary eyes. 

Ma told us you wouldn't be coming home. I yelled at her and cried, because I knew that wasn't true. I bruised my fist on the floor, slamming it repeatedly on that hard ground. I screamed and wept, Why would Mami lie about that??? 

But she was right. You started breathing hard. Ma called Ita with loud sobs, bringing the phone up to you. "Ruby! Ruby!" Ita called your sister over to the phone, and she barked. "You see Lilah? Say I love you sissy!! I'll miss you!" But Ruby walked away from the phone. I kept petting you no matter what. Until you gagged. twice. your chest stopped. I screamed and pounded on the floor. "NO, NO. WAKE UP BABY." I squeaked the toy, but you still didn't move. The doctors heard me screaming and they came in and took you. They tried to bring you back, but you were already gone. Father brought you in limp. Your eyes dry and open. I couldn't stop screaming. I was hitting my head on the wall. I was hitting the floor with my fists. I didn't want to believe it. My best friend was gone. There was so much yellow fluid everywhere..I hated it. I thought you would get better...I kept on squeaking the toy. "Wake up, puppy!!" but you were gone..I didn't want to believe it. I was mad at myself for letting you get sick. I was mad at this so-called "god" for taking you away so quickly when he knew I still needed you. I was mad at everything. I didn't wanna go home, but I couldn't see my puppy anymore..They were taking you away anyways. I still cried and hit the door, but it was time to leave.

I went home, and cried myself to sleep. I looked at your untouched food, your empty kennel. Your bed. I didn't come home to your tippy tappies. I didn't come home to you knocking the couch over like you'd always do when I got home. I came home to a quiet house. I couldn't stop crying. It was too quiet in the house now. 

If only I didn't allow you to chew all those toys. If only I cared enough to put everything out of reach from you. I killed you. You died because of me. Due to my negligence. This was your way of getting the attention I never gave you enough of. My face was too busy looking at a screen instead of you chewing up things. I'll never forgive myself, for being the reason of my best friend's death. 

I've stopped caring for myself, Delilah. I can't keep my room clean. I can't clean myself properly, I can't brush my teeth or hair, I can't do anything like I used to, becuase there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I miss you so much. I still have your leash, your bed, your blanket, your doggie pads, I still have everything. 

And a part of me still wants to believe this is a sick joke, and you're coming home as the happy, healthy puppy I knew. 

But you're on the counter, In a box. The healthy Delilah I knew is gone.