Devolving into Evolution

I don't know how to write poetry. I've pretended I know how to, but I just don't. I don't write poems. I don't know if I ever have. I talk. I talk to something. I talk to a blank slate. A brick wall. An inanimate object. Anything that would listen. Anyone that would listen. I talk a lot. I like talking. I like saying things like this. Repeating myself. Repeating the obvious. So I can keep talking. I like talking a lot. I like when people look at me. I like seeing their faces focused on me when I'm telling a story I almost don't know how to believe. Usually it's true. But I exaggerate something small to make it better. Increase half an hour to an hour. Trust me, it'll make their eyes go a little bit wider. Comedians do that, too. It's like a thing they do. I do it a lot. I always wanted to be a comedian. I like when people look at me. People laugh with comedians. Usually the joke isn't that funny. When I watch comedians through my phone, I don't usually laugh. I appreciate the joke, and I know how it can be told as conventionally great, but it doesn't make me laugh. But I know that if I was sitting in that audience in real life, I would. I don't know why that is. I think that's a lot like how people are with me. They laugh because they're in the moment. They fixate because they're in the moment. They go along because they're in the moment. It's like it's what they're there for. Not just me, I do it with them, too. We're there to see each other. We bought tickets to each other's sets. So we laugh at it. But then, at night, when we go home, we relay everything in our heads. I don't have too many thoughts about theirs, but I know they think about mine. I don't think they landed. Or maybe I went on a little too long. Or maybe it wasn't even a performance at all. Maybe this whole thing isn't a performance. Maybe I'm just supposed to be someone's friend. I know that's true, but I can't do that. I've tried. I didn't even know I was doing it. But I am. There's something about me that I can't resist. I hate myself for saying that. Those two lines I just typed have proved every single person's point. I thought the key to happiness was loving yourself. In a way, it sort of is, but you have to realize there is a balance of it. You cannot love yourself too much in front of others. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it is the honest-to-God truth, and I'm going to say it again. You cannot love yourself too much in front of others. Your life is not a comedy set. You are not performing. You need to "be yourself". That does not mean performing. You are not a performer. A performer is not yourself. Do not be that. When people say "be yourself", what they really mean, and what you really should do, is "take your personality and cut it in half. Use the other half to prioritize your friend's feelings". Because if you use your whole personality, it leaves no room for others. You will consume yourself. Being self-centered and selfish are two totally different things. I am guilty of the former. Being selfish is only caring about yourself, while being self-centered is caring about your friends,  but only through the lens of how they relate to you and yourself. You need to care about your friends in relation to your friends. You need to plain care about your friends. No strings attached and no relation to anything. Ask them about their day. Congratulate them on their achievements and do NOT relate it to your own. When it is their moment, let it be their moment FULLY. Not everything is about you. I'm trying to get better. I wish the people I hurt could know this and see this. But it's going to be okay. The best way to recover is improving yourself, so you can look back and say "I will never be that ever again". I wish the people I hurt could know that and see that. I'm writing this as advice for myself and advice for people who also feel this way. It is never too late to change. Sometimes you need a wake up call as a form of a slap in the face. As a cold turkey. A rude awakening. Change and grow and morph into a better version of yourself. Not a new person, but a better VERSION of YOURSELF. YOU ARE STILL YOU, ONLY BETTER. KINDER. CONSIDERATE. Love yourself hard, but do it in private. Love your friends in public. Appreciate being alone. Give yourself a hug. This is "you" time! This started as me hating myself, and it morphed, didn't it? I am still depressed. My eyes are worn and dried tears are making my face feel odd. But please, do yourself a favor and go to bed. I am putting this out on public not to be attention seeking but to offer comfort to those who need to hear it. This is an example of a change of mindset. You, the reader, have witnessed my mind twist and turn over these 20 minutes. I am going to maybe write one more thing and go to bed. Maybe I will text my friends that I hope they had a good day; no, scratch that; ask how their day was. Replace the I, people! Is this bad advice? I'm not sure. I am currently on my period. There might be shifts in emotions occurring. Everyone deserves everything good to happen to them. Goodnight!

~ >_*