grief :[

Sometimes I wonder where she is now. Do ghosts exist? Do souls reincarnate? Last year I doubted 2024 could get much worse than the years prior.. but 5 days into it my best friend died by her very own hands. I was having a game night with my family, as i was doom scrolling and stumbled upon her mothers story. I remember crying like never before, just crying for the next few days. But then i refused to believe it, I told myself that that couldn't be true and no for sure she would message me soon like we always did. But no message ever came. The only message I read was her mother telling me when the viewing and funeral was. It was then that i realised I would never see her again, never hear her voice, never feel her hugs again. Nothing. When the viewing was, i held her hand one last time. I put one of the bracelets we made together around her arm. She was cold and pale, and the bruises everywhere are burnt into my brain. But even then, she still looked beautiful in her very own way. I didn't want to leave because I knew it was our final goodbye, everyone was going back outside and I barely managed to leave the room where she was in. Before that, we were able to draw on the lid of the coffin. It was one made out of wood so we drew with simple markers. I drew her dog on it and wrote a simple I love you. Her 5 year old brother barely even understood, when he saw her he was happy because he didnt understand it would be the last time. Theres so many things that happened, it would be too long to write it all out. On her funeral i barely cried, i didnt sleep for the past 2 days and was still in denial. We had pink balloons that we let free after, pink was her favourite colour. Now it has been nearly a year since her death. Last week I met up with her family, i went into her room again. It feelt weird without her in it, it felt empty. Everyday I miss her just like the first day. I'm still often in denial and refuse to believe what happened. I wear her jacket and cry and scream into my pillow. I listen to her voice messages and can't listen to them all the way through because it breaks my heart. I look at all the pictures we took together and all i do is wish that i had taken more. No one could have ever prepared me for this. After everything we went through, she isn't here anymore. After she held me off that building, when i was behind the railing and ready to do it. She looked at me and she stopped me. I'm sorry my very best friend, I'm sorry you were alone that night and that the supervisors in the psychward didn't give you the help you needed. I'm sorry you couldn't keep on living after you finally had hope again. I miss you so much it hurts everyday. This blog is all over the place, but I have no one to be honest to (｡╯︵╰｡) grief is horror and I doubt I'll ever get over it