Sad birthday post

Today I turned 20.

It was also saddest birthday I had, I think. It probaby could have been worse but...

I woke up with the most horrible neck pain ever. Seriously, it hurts to even move my head and I have no idea why. Must have slept in a wrong position or something idk.

It completly ruined my mood from the start, it took me much longer to get out of bed. My family was getting ready to go to church and i kind of destroyed their plans, because of how late i woke up. My mom decided to go with me later. We were supposed to go together, everyone.

It was raining almost entire day. Such a hopeless, gray day. I had bad feelings about this day from the start and I was holding back tears from the very moment i woke up. I wanted today to be... special. Im turning 20 for gods sake. I felt like, maybe if today will be good, then next it will be a nice start of the next 10 years of my life. I wanted a fresh start. Im so goddamn scared of the future. Im not ready at all for none of this.

But it was just getting worse, because my neck was still hurting and i was constantly in pain. My family thought im unhappy because of them and later on i got into an argument with my mom. It was unintentional but it was too much for me and i had a breakdown before my mom's eyes. It was crazy i was balling my eyes out and sobbing and i dont even think it was that serious. But my nerves are doing not so well lately, so it doesnt take much for me to just burst out crying really.

It took me a good while to calm down.

The evening was the only decent part i think. Im happy that all in all, they remembered about my birthday. My mom baked me a delicious cake, my grandmother payed me a visit and my two sisters got me cute little gifts which havent happedned before so im grateful for that.

Yeah...

Im sitting alone in my room right now, burning some scented candles and just feeling lonely. None of my irl friends remembered to send me birthday wishes even tho i always remember to send them. I mean, not that i expect anything in return for what i do and, idk, maybe its childish to feel sad because of such a thing, but it really kinda hurts you know. Its like, i always feel lonely, especially recently, and such a small thing like birthday wishes from a friend would make me feel better.

Well, anyway, nevermind. Im grateful for my family, thats it.

Crapp... My eyes hurt form crying lol. I hope your day wasnt that sad and your christmas preparations, if you celebrate, are doing good. I decorated my room with some light and it makes a lot of difference. Really puts you in a christmas mood.

Im gonna go watch some yt now. I wanted to read something too  but... not feeling up to it at all rn.

cya!