ranting about my desire to cosplay :p

honestly i have the STRONGEST desire to get into cosplaying. i've only cosplayed once as misa from death note on the day that i went to my first anime convention, and that was the one of the BEST days of my life! i felt so in my element and free! :D i've also attempted a beetlejuce cosplay at the movies, but really, i just worn his colors and signature colors in makeup so i don't really count that as one o.o

like i absolutely ADORE seeing people make cosplay videos with their friends and they seem so free spirited and happy. i really wish i could meet people like that irl :,(

i have an embarrassingly long list of the many characters that i wanna cosplay, but i either don't have enough materials to use from my closet to semi create one, or i just never know where to get their outfit from. and its not like i'll really ever post my cosplays on social media bc there's so many people who down-talk poc cosplayers and i just don't know if i can handle that atm. 

i just want to cosplay as the characters i love and be happy, is that such a hard request? ...maybe so bc of my anxiety and somewhat fear of being mocked by some of my family and others