Alone again

I'm all alone, again. 

It's hard for me to open up to people. Seeing myself accepting insecurities I have, makes me feel better. 

I'm stuck being alone until death. Although I have a relationship, I never been someone's first choice. I'm stuck knowing I never was the option, all the words I hear, were told to other women. I got used by men too much to belive another one. 

I have no supportive friends, they don't know how to support me, or they feel the same when we deep talk, and that becomes a "competition" who feels worser. I never actually had a supportive friend, and now I'm left with a zero ability to accept someone's help.

 I can't even imagine my future life, who am I going to be after college, who am I going to work as.

 I can't even tell my honest opinion! Because years of pleasuring other people's needs made me plain, I can't even tell what's my favorite color now! I'm just used saying it's green. Restoring my own personality without even knowing it, is hard.

 I'm still in toxic household, because it's my parents house. I can't have an opinion, should be obedient, wear what my mother likes. Sometimes, I even think she's jealous of me being proud of myself, even though I'm fat. Instead of doing something about my weight as a mother, who literally forces me to eat what she cooked. She chosed to bully me for my body. I swear I can see the difference on her face, when from a confident fat teenage girl I become an anxious, over thinking disaster. But when it comes to talk about kids with her friends, she's ready to lick me from the top to the bottom, because I can cook, clean, get scholarship and work, so I bring extra money to the house.

I don't have a supportive and understanding father who he seems to be. All day at work, all night at work and when he's home he sleeps and yells. I understand him but it sometimes comes to a complete absurd what he's talking about.

I'm literally alone? I won't even say anything about sisters.

I feel like a young mother who has 3 kids to feed and a husband who only wants beer.

I'm not even sure that I love my partner as I used to. I just want them to be mine, I feel excitement but when they say something wrong it goes away in a few seconds.

Ik no one will probably read this long. Chat am I cooked? Venting to random strangers iz so Kool!